A layout

My beautiful boys just before Christmas. The journalling tells of how much I love the fact they'll let me 'play' with taking photos. I dressed them up and we had lots of fun. Thank you to my three beautiful boys for being such good sports. Would you believe I even remembered to write down what I used.

(Jen Markatis Template

Ali Edwards Favourite Holiday Memory

Lindsay Jane 12 Days of Christmas Kit)

The night owl scrapped

Because I'm up in the middle of the night, I felt like being productive. I did this layout.

Sleeping is starting to improve

Last night I headed off to bed later, well after 11, but it's no point going earlier at the moment. I was up again at 2am and read some blogs and surfed the web until just after 3am, then I slept until just after 9am. It's the longest stretch of sleep I've had in nearly two weeks. To say I'm happy is an understatement. So glad I'm just persevering with these meds. I know too, that in six weeks when I have to increase my dose, I'll go through this again, but at least I know what to expect. The benefits will outweigh the inconvenience now.

My visit to my GP went well yesterday. She's just lovely, and thorough and knowledgeable. I don't feel like I'm some neurotic housewife when I talk to her. She understands what I'm feeling and has said to me this has been going on for far too long. No-one has ever said that to me before. I just felt like a weight lifted off me just to hear her say that.

I'm booked in to see a Rheumatologist at the end of June. My inflammatory markers are raised, as they are at every blood test I've ever had. I've been to two Rheumatologists before, once in 2002 and once in 1995, (the earlier visit I'd actually forgotten about, but Bunny reminded me). I'm going to see a young female specialist, not the same one I saw last time. I didn't want to see him again. I'm also booked in to see a psychologist in May. It will be good to sort out some things, and change my thought patterns. I know there's more potential within me, I want to find it. There are also some quite personal issues I'd like to sort out.

Overall I'm feeling positive about this whole process. My GP has also suggested that I could see an Exercise something or other....far out the title of this person escapes me. They are a cross between a physio and a personal trainer. He would look at my problems - shoulder and achilles and design an exercise program for me. He works from the gym where I used to attend. It's something I will keep in mind. Not working full days anymore, I can fit a gym program into my day. It would come down to affordability. I'm so aware that an aging body loses muscle mass, and I hate that.......I know weight training etc will tone me up again.

Today was a good day. It's the first day I've not struggled with staying awake in the afternoon. I did my Daisy work, and Barbi came for coffee in the afternoon which was just lovely. We talked a little about the store and a lot about other things too. I always feel she leaves my home a little lighter than she felt when she walked in. It's nice for her to take a couple of hours out in the middle of a busy day to drink coffee and relax. We are very excited because the store went live yesterday.

Billy-Joe has cooked dinner tonight. Butter Chicken, which is currently smelling delicious as it simmers away on the stove. He's getting a little more confident in the kitchen which is great. There's no way I'm rearing a child who is useless in the kitchen, thankfully all three kids enjoy helping in the kitchen, and it's something I need to continue to encourage.

Easter Monday

As a family it would be so nice if we could have more holidays. I know I'm lucky to have school holidays off with the kids, but it's so nice to have dear Bunny home too. Mind you, he's been dreadfully busy mowing half the street, (he looks after the yards of the two old ladies across the road), plus ours, so that's several hours of work, included in that, he whipper snips and prunes our garden, so it looks gorgeous. Had to have it lovely for Easter Sunday. With all the rain we've had of late, everything is looking so healthy, lush and green.

It's been so nice to just chill out together. I went outside for a bit and pottered in the garden and then threw the footy to Mickey. You always know how much stuff like that means, when you're told 'You're the best Mum in the world'. Actually I've seen a personality shift in Mickey of late, and it's for the better. He's becoming a very caring little boy. He's becoming a child who is thinking of others and not just himself. He knows I've had problems sleeping and asks me every single day how I slept. At the end of a school day he always asks me how my day was, because I always ask them. Ever since Izzy was ill, he asks after her every afternoon too. When I got up on Sunday morning, all the shoes from the front door were put away, mine were neatly placed outside my bedroom door and the mat I use at the door was straightened out neatly. Mickey had done that, without being asked. He's the one who goes outside when Bunny is doing yards, to see what he can do to help. When I was changing my medication and knew I'd be feeling a bit fragile for a bit, I told both Mickey and Billy-Joe, and they've been so sweet to me. Sammy, alas is still too egocentric, and I didn't pull him aside. He'd not understand and I don't want to scare him.

On that note, I'm amazed at how well I actually feel. I'm still not sleeping, last night I got up at 2.15am, stayed up for an hour and a quarter and then went back to bed and slept well until 8.30am. I get moments during the day where I don't think I can keep my eyes open. Sometimes I get up and do something, or else I'll just close my eyes for 15 minutes. I'm going back to my GP tomorrow, and it will be interesting what she says. I know she'll probably want to increase the dosage, as what I'm on now is the start dose.

I feel different within myself. I am quietly excited and very happy about it. I feel as though I have more patience and I'm much calmer. I don't feel like everything is a hassle or a big deal. Even though I'm not sleeping well, I get up in the morning happier than what I did before. I normally wake up on the weekend, and secretly wish I could just hibernate there all day long.....not good!

I've been busy today, the washing was huge, but it's all done and inside now. Bunny listened to the races this afternoon in between pottering in the garden with me. Billy-Joe headed down to the park for a couple of hours with some friends.

I was going to do a layout today. I've got some photos I need to edit. When I get up in the night, I've been downloading a couple of free kids. I don't do a lot of free ones, because I usually don't end up using them , but every now and again I find something that's gorgeous, I guess I've just become more choosy and I know what I like.

I'm glad I've got the next few days off. I'd like to take the kids somewhere, pity everything costs so much. They've been playing outside all afternoon which is great. So nice that it's not raining and no longer so dreadfully hot. The weather has just been gorgeous.

Easter Weekend

Yesterday morning, we headed out to see Peter's parents. We had a lovely morning. His eldest sister was there too and it was nice to see her too. After morning tea, the kids watched a movie and we sat and chatted.

When we got home just after lunch, I got the kids lunch and then prepared the food for Sunday's lunch. I'm glad I did that, it meant Sunday morning wasn't frantic. I laid down in the afternoon with some music. I didn't sleep, but enjoyed the rest. I'm still not sleeping well at night, so by mid afternoon, I hit a brick wall, and can't even concentrate on anything anymore.

In the evening we went to Mum and Dad's. It was a great fun night. Not having seen my brother since Christmas, it was awesome to spend the evening with him, Dee and the girls. We shared a yummy dinner and lots of laughs. The kids had a great time, although were very weary. We came home around 9.30pm and the kids were happy to go to bed. Mickey's eyes were red he was that tired.

I went to bed after 10, optimistic for a good night, seeing as I'd not napped in the afternoon and I was very very tired. I'd downloaded a sleep app from iTunes............and listened to it 5 times during the course of bed time to 2.50am. By 4.30am I got up and browsed the web. The netski is surprisingly speedy at that hour of the morning!! I took advantage of the off peak download time, seeing as I'm currently over my percentage of use, compared to days passed, and an hour later, I felt snoozy and headed back to bed. For the next three hours, I actually slept!

After a cereal for breaky, I cleaned, tidied, and made a yummy Lemon Slice with Sammy and Billy-Joe while Mickey helped Daddy outside in the yard.

At 12.30pm Mum and Dad arrived and it was drinks all round and some light nibblies. Lunch was a BBQ. We had marinaded pork ribs, marinaded chicken skewers and snagglepusses. I made a crunchy noodle salad and Mum brought her delicious coleslaw that we all love.

We ate lunch late, true to our usual form, and whiled away the afternoon enjoying each others' company. The Easter Bunny brought eggs in the afternoon and the kids enjoyed hunting for them. I'll upload photos from today on another day. I really should go to bed and try to get some sleep.

My gorgeous boys and my two beautiful girls. They're my nieces and not my daughters but they're the closest I have to daughters and I love them to bits.

Julia and Kiana trying to show that Billy-Joe is taller than they are, even though they both tower over him lol......

Me with my gorgeous nieces.

And on it goes

Day 5 of Cymbalta, and not much has changed. I've not slept well again, about four hours. I went to bed a little later than normal and then listened to my audiobook for 2 hours. I'd downloaded a relax/meditation app from iTunes and that seemed to help me go to sleep. Prior to that I kept tossing and turning, with this my body became calmer.

I did my chores this morning,which were pretty up to date. I laid down awaiting my groceries. Once they'd arrived and were packed away I put on my jammies and snoozed for a couple of hours. By the time I went to Daisy's I felt good. Even better for the fact I fitted into my Jag jeans, which I've not been able to wear for months. Suzy came tonight, which was lovely. I'd wanted to prepare some card making ideas, I want to colour with my Copics but instead I just played with some patterned papers, a new punch Karen bought and made a few gift cards. Nothing elaborate, but pretty enough. I enjoyed playing and chatting. I actually ate some dinner which was delicious and only a portion of what I'd normally eat which I'm ecstatic about. Karen had made her Easter Egg slice. I had a small piece and it was decadent. I'm so pleased I didn't take any home. I honestly don't know what's gotten into me lol...me refuse slice!!!!

I had a lovely night, and enjoyed the company of my friends. One of whom is very sad at the moment, and I really felt for her last night and have been thinking of her all day today. I'm sitting in my owl pyjamas she bought me for my birthday and thinking of her.

Day 6 (I think)
I got about three and a half hours sleep, awoke, and listened to my meditation on my iPhone, and I dozed off again, so I was happy about that. Bunny came in for a cuddle and then called me for a cooked breakfast of brewed coffee, a poached egg on a delicious wholegrain bread...... I ate a couple of mouth fulls of egg and drank half a coffee and I was full. Mickey sat beside me and ate two eggs and toast!! He'd already had cereal too.

I felt weary in the afternoon, laid down with my audiobook but didn't sleep which is good. I don't want to sleep in the afternoon, but some days I've just hit a wall and have had no choice. I got up and coloured in Pokemon pictures with Mickey which was lovely. Billy-Joe and Bunny went to play golf, so the house was quiet, with just the three of us.

I am feeling good. My head hasn't been cloudy today, and while my feet are still cold in the evening and I sweat profusely, I think it's easing a bit. I don't know whether it's my imagination or not, but I'm feeling I have a bit more patience with the kids, like I used to have when I only had one child lol....... It's either that or the less stress from not working full days, is helping this come back. I'm not sure, but I'm not questioning it. The last few days I've been very quiet, but I feel peaceful. Even with the ratty sleep patterns this transition has been much better than last time. Having the peace and quiet to be able to lie down is a huge plus. Even when the kids are all home, I can lie down and they are quiet and well behaved.

It feels funny being home on a Friday night, can't remember the last time I did that, probably last Good Friday.

I'm looking forward to spending the weekend with my family and hope my friends have a wonderful Easter too.

Day 4 Cymbalta and other random ramblings

I'm going to have to investigate something to help me sleep. I'm basically going to bed at the moment, because that's what you do at night time. I went to bed just after 11 because I felt quite weary. I'd been talking to Karen on the phone which was nice. Phone conversations in a quiet household are actually really pleasant lol....... No one needed us and we could hear!!

To bed at 11, still awake at 1am. I didn't want to listen to my book, it's nearing the end and I know it's going to be exciting. Reading that is not conducive to sleep. I thought that surely, once my feet warmed up I'd be able to sleep. I awoke before 5am and went out and spoke to Peter for a bit. He was stunned to see me lol......

Feel a bit jaded this morning but not too bad. I hope the sweating and the cold feet (and nose) abates today......

I've had a busy morning. Have dusted, washed, thrown stuff in the dryer and hung some things out (the perpetual optimist)!! Yes, that's right, it's raining yet again. Fortunately my line is totally under cover, so things do have a chance if the rain holds off for a few hours at least. Ironing done, washing machine cleaned out. Updates for Mac OS X downloaded and installed.

Actually don't know how I've managed to download those updates. My internet usage is high again this month, so all big downloads are happening in the morning, during my 'off peak' time. The updates were a half a GB, so I've done that already. My internet, however is painfully, painfully slow. I'm wondering if Optus have slowed me down because I'm leaving to go to another ISP, and they've effectively turned off my DSL connection......or turned it 'down' to dial up speed.......I can't work with that, can't even use it. You ever tried to access Facebook at dial up speed?? I've got work to do on the 'net, thank goodness I've got my mobile USB modem. I couldn't even use iChat with my normal connection, and that peeved me most of all. I've got my modem in bridge mode, using my time capsule as the router. I don't want to change all the settings just to ring Optus only to be told, yes I've been shut down, although I don't understand that.

4.00pm
Internet, seems fine now. Something is definitely going on, because it was painfully slow last night and then it was good this morning for a bit. If they've put the brakes on me, then it wouldn't go back up again. I"m glad now I didn't waste precious time by ringing.

I've felt pretty lousy today. I've had a headache since this morning, which pain meds haven't touched. I dozed for just over an hour in the middle of the day, I was exhausted and couldn't keep my eyes open when I sat down to the computer to do some site work.

I got up and with the slow USB modem, I did some Daisy work, it was painfully slow too, don't know what was up with that, the speeds are normally good. I got nearly all the Jenni Bowlin stuff up that Suzy mentioned to me last week. I did Cosmo Cricket and Crate Paper yesterday, so this week hasn't been too bad so far.

Dinner is spaghetti bolognese, but I don't feel like that. Don't know if I'll have anything, or if I'll just have pesto with my pasta instead. At this stage, I could easily have nothing.

I'm going to have another lie down......so so tired.

Day 3 Cymbalta

I didn't go to bed until nearly midnight last night. I stayed up and finished my book. I'm so glad I did. It didn't take too long and I fell asleep. I still didn't get enough sleep last night, but it was much better. I didn't have any dinner last night, I couldn't stomach anything. I just had a cup of tea.

This morning I went without breakfast as I had to fast for a blood test. I had a bowl of cereal when I got home.

My feet aren't as cold so far today, but they were earlier, even my nose was freezing. I'm sweating a lot more too. It's a comfortable 24 degrees and parts of me are feeling cool and the rest of me is sweating.

I'm looking forward Easter more now, and feeling better about it. I'm tolerating these new meds thus far much better than any change over before. I'm a little tired, but that's to be expected.

Izzy was spayed yesterday. She's doing very well. I'm amazed at how quickly she's recovered. She was outside today, and didn't even mope around yesterday after she came home, she wasn't groggy at all. Even animals recover quicker from surgery these days to what they used it.

Day 2 Cymbalta.....continued

Picture this. It's a warm day. I'm wearing a singlet and a pair of shorts, the fan is on, I'm sweating and........wearing thick socks!!!! My feet are still soooo cold!! On consulting Dr. Google, I did find this can be a side effect....... I hope it goes away, as I hate cold feet, especially in summer!!!

Day 2 Cymbalta

Suffice to say I won't be going to bed at my normal time tonight. It was almost 1am and I was still awake. I woke up far too early too. My 25 hour audio book is getting read a lot quicker than I expected. Normally I can listen to my book for about 20-40 minutes depending on how tired I am. I'm making myself turn it off after two and a half!! I may as well get up if I can't sleep. I can always do some work, or read.

I did a good amount on my web site and popped in and saw my parents this morning. It was lovely seeing them and my Dad paid me a pretty awesome comment as he said I'd lost some weight. That made my day!

I had a nap this afternoon for about 30 minutes. I don't know how wise it was, but four a night sleep three nights in a row, can't be good, although I'm amazed how I don't feel dead on my feet. I'm very thirsty on the new tablets and I'm not hungry. I'm cooking Chilli Con Carne for dinner, and I won't be having anything.I've got enough condition on me lol, so it won't hurt.

Billy-Joe is playing union further up the coast and thank goodness dear Bunny is going to pick him up, they won't be home until about 6.30pm. The littlies can eat earlier.

Izzy was spayed today. She's very happy to be home, and is surprising me by walking around. Mickey was shocked when he saw her shaved area and the scar. He turned away and I thought he was going to cry. It didn't look bad at all. There's no coloured disinfectant on it and the scar is one a human would be happy to have. Ah well it's another lesson, along with explaining what she actually had done. She was on heat, and thankfully not pregnant. It wouldn't have made any difference if she was pregnant, but it's nice to know I've not aborted anything.

I'm looking forward to Easter - I think. I"m not sure how I'll be feeling, and at the moment, sitting somewhere quietly sounds like a really nice idea..... On Saturday I want to go and see Peter's parents and then on Saturday night I'll be at my parents' house. On Sunday my parents will come to us for lunch. So it's a busy weekend ahead. My brother will be here with is wife, so that's special as we've not seen him since Christmas.

Day 1 Cymbalta

I had another so so night. Mickey and Billy-Joe wanted to 'camp' out in the front yard (our backyard, while large, has no flat area, the front pocket is the only flat treeless area).

We enjoyed our nice dinner and I took myself to bed at 10pm. I didn't think I'd make it that late considering my state of not enough sleep. I listened to my audio book, and it was midnight, before, still wide awake I turned off my iPhone. I got up twice to check on the kids, the yobboes up the road were having a party and were parked on the road and were noisy........so every time I heard a noise closer, I checked. Then the cherubs in their eternal wisdom came inside just after 6.30am. I'd just been awoken by Billy-Joe's alarm!!!! I dozed for a bit and then got up to a cooked breakfast. By this time I was as cranky as hell. The kids know to be quiet when they are up. Normally they are really good, but considering they'd got up so early, the quiet wore off far too soon. Three of them in Billy-Joe's room is okay when all is calm but not when they start getting restless. The downside of a tiny house, there is nowhere quiet, but I do prefer them in the lounge.....ah well. I'm lucky I can lie in though.

I enjoyed my deliciously cooked breakfast, of scrambled eggs on toast with fresh parsley and chives, juice and brewed coffee. I took my first pill. It's an hour lady and I don't feel good. The dark mood has increased, the head is foggy and my mouth tastes like crap and is dry.

In between having breakfast and getting organized, I've had to supervise kids putting the tent away. Funny how they're all keen to put it up, (which I basically did lol) but you have to harangue them to bring everything inside. It rained in the night (what's new) and some of their stuff got wet. I've hung a load out, and am questioning my wisdom as it's teeming again!!! So over this rain! The dams have been overflowing for weeks now, so I know no one in this region is disadvantaged if it doesn't rain for the time being.

I hope I get some work done......I may have to forgo my pay and take the time off. I'll see how I go though, because I don't want to do that. If I keep everything else really quiet, and I don't feel any worse, I should still get there.

Work, health, eyes, shopping and dragons

I'm still busy on the website, although this week my work has been in dribs and drabs. I only had Monday and part of Tuesday where I got a solid go at it, and I've had to squeeze in the time where I could all over the place, so, not as structured as I'd like. I think I'll do some on the weekend, and then I'll feel I've done a good amount. Last week was full of hiccups and my time was wasted trouble shooting, which I don't feel good about, so in the next few weeks, I want to put in extra to make up for it. It's close to becoming live, which is exciting, but I want quite a few more patterned papers on there before we do that though. I was working on it the other morning and was blown away because there were 52 people online. It was so funny because both Barbi and I wondered if they were all hackers lol.......that's a lot of people on a site where not much is happening yet.

My week was full of interruptions because of medical appointments. My physio has been looking after me for a few years now, and on my last appointment I started to cry as I told her I was so happy she was leaving to have a baby, but sad that she could no longer look after me. I told her my pain levels are increasing and I don't know what to do. While my shoulder is better, I still suffer badly. If I spend too much time at a time working on the site, my arm aches. Even though I"m not actually typing, and I have an extremely sensitive touch pad and my arm is completely supported, my forearm carries a lot of strain and this then puts pressure on my upper arm and shoulder. Even when my shoulder eases, there are many things I really catch me unawares, or where I grit my teeth before I do the movement. Even lifting the doona over my body as I roll over causes it to aches and catch.

My pectorals ache, my forearms hurt in the trigger points, my achilles are no better. That doesn't even cover the neck pain and shoulder pain which is very often present. My physio has been crucial in my pain management. With her manipulations, massage and acupuncture, I have relief for about ten days...... While I used to believe this meant I was 'healed', I now just make the most of the lull and know with absolute certainty that my pain will return. I have tried anti inflammatories and they do nothing anymore so I have stopped taking them: no need to subject my body to them and risk any stomach damage. I depend on paracatomol and ibuprofen, generally using them together for pain relief and management.

While I realize I could easily be mistaken for a malingerer or hypochondriac, I'm heartened by Carlie's faith in me, her belief in my pain levels and her desire to help me further. She's convinced there's something systemic going on as I have too many problem areas, which are now all chronic. While my current GP is good for the normal day to day stuff, I don't feel like he has the wherewithal or even the desire to really investigate me. I want questions asked, and I'm not getting that? I need someone who is prepared to take the time to investigate me properly. Carlie recommended a very thorough GP for me to visit, and lady doctor, whom she'd had favourable dealings with and good results with other patients.

In fairness to the few other GPs I've visited in recent years, I can't lay the blame at their door. I've often addressed my issues, but it's only ever the problem that is the worst at that time. I've never gone to a doctor and asked that all my issues be addressed at once. Perhaps having worked at a surgery before, I understand, that the 'shopping list' approach by patients is often not looked upon favourably......this train of thought has probably been to my detriment.

The doctor I saw on Tuesday, was forthright, friendly, interested and showed a genuine wish to help me. From the moment I sat down I felt comfortable and didn't feel like I was whining. She asked questions I've never been asked before....... She questioned me about my depression, and I spoke of my anxiety attacks which I've been plagued with for the last three Christmases, the last one I actually sought help and was given medication which made the Yuletide Season even better than it would have been. Much nicer to not have that constant feel of dread accompanied with a racing heart. I wanted to feel in my body like I felt in my head. Calm, organized and happy. At first the doctor said it might be worth considering I see a psychologist as depression is so often tied in with inflammatory problems such as she suggested I may have. The diagnoses she presented as possibilities were Seronegative Arthritis and Fibromyalgia Rheumatica. The doctor suggested I read up on both of those. On reading, I found that the once mysterious fibromyalgia which was often a euphemism for a malingering lazy sod.....(in my opinion - gathered from reading and how this was viewed by others) was now proven to have a basis in medical fact. Inflammation does exist and is the cause of this illness. This coupled with my depression is possibly the root of my pain. As this never goes away, there are just degrees of pain, it gets better, but never completely goes away and the intensity when it's worse also varies.

On the psychological front I will consult a psychologist, I'm a cynic and dubious as to how this will work, but realize that this will work hand in hand with all my treatment. I understand I need a holistic approach. Added to this I am changing my anti depressants. I am nearing the end of my 'wash out' of my current meds, and apart from barely sleeping, and bad dreams I'm feeling okay. The interesting and more unpleasant phase will begin when I start my new medication on Monday. My saving grace this time, is that I don't have a toddler and a baby to contend with while I'm feeling dead on my feet from fatigue and ill from the meds, with headaches and nausea. I will be able to lie down and take things easy. On the physical side of things, I will have a blood test done and then we can go from there. My ESR is always elevated, and I know this is a result of inflammation in the body. I will be curious how that result is.

I feel good about this direction, and I have faith in my new GP.

I had my eyes checked during the week too. My prescription has changed slightly so I need new glasses and I'm investigating getting contact lenses. I went there 7 times this week. Once for my appointment and then six times to have a trial pair of lenses in and out. So far I've not worn a pair where I can see properly, but the optometrist hasn't given up. Those 7 visits meant my Daisy work was all over the place.

By Friday, I needed a break. No appointments, no housework, no work. I spent the day with one of my closest friends and we whiled away the time. We drank coffee, shopped in Myer, had a delicious lunch at the Turkish Restaurant, and planned our trip to the movies for the next day. I also looked at glasses frames, and enjoyed having Suzy tell me what she thought. In years past I've bought them with my Mum, but have chosen the last two pairs on my own. It's always nice having a second opinion. I saw some gorgoeus frames, with of course an equally gorgeous price tag.... Why can't I like cheap crappy stuff????

Scrapping last night was lovely as always. I enjoy spending time with Barbi and Karen. Barbi and I debrief after the week and it's my precious catch up time with Karen. It's wonderful how a few hours where you're not anything other than being yourself, (you're not a Mum, wife, house cleaner, organizer of all things, just yourself).... can make you feel rejuvenated and a little stronger for the next week ahead. We talk about a wide range of things, from the flippant and funny, to the deep, dark and worrisome. A sanctuary of friendship that offers a haven of love, advice and support. A powerful combination.

I came home last night, late as per usual. I was about to crawl into bed when I noticed lots of black 'dots' all over my wall............ The corner of my room right near my bed was covered in hundreds of baby spiders. (Huntsmen, my dear Bunny tells me this afternoon!!) I sprayed them, couldn't vacuum them up because of the late hour and just crawled into my bed. 2.30am and I was still wide awake, listening to my audiobook, no where near the land of nod! A little while later the tell tale beeping of a fire alarm, meant I had to go and get a chair and dismantle the fire alarm, so that peace was restored...... I got to sleep around 4am. Once the boys left for golf, I slept a little deeper, but this was riddled with horrid dreams, and the same dream over and over. I was dreaming that I was trying to sleep, and my house was being broken into. My house was being robbed and I was so afraid for my MacBook. By the time I got up I was happy to see that it was bright and cloudless outside and my house was safe, as was my MacBook.

I arrived at the Plaza a little earlier than needed so I could ply myself with a good strong coffee. Suzy had a headache, so we were a fine pair, and were looking forward to spending a relaxing time together, yet again. We saw 'The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo'. The movie was awesome. Not only did I enjoy the story and how well it emulated the book, I loved the 'realness' of it. The non Hollywood feel for the movie, gave it even more credibility. Can't wait to see the next two movies. We ate some sushi after the movie, and then went our separate ways. I I went to the Spectacles Superstore, which was a tragic misnomer of a business. Not only was there nothing super about this tiny store, it was closed, on a Saturday afternoon on the coast, woeful when you think there are many optometrist chains open all over the coast on the weekend.

I've been home for a while now, I've cleaned the bathroom, done some washing, put up a tent, vacuumed up dead spiders and have spent the last hour doing my blog entry, rather than the Daisy work I'd considered doing....... That can be done tomorrow.

I've bought some lamb cutlets for dinner and I'm making a tabouleh as well. I've got some yummy fresh avos and I'm trying to figure out how to add them in.....

Love, loss, faith and friendship

As the helplessness threatens to drag me down, my faith lifts me up. I have a couple of friends, who I count amongst my closest who are suffering deeply at the moment. One has lost a family member in an untimely manner and another is going through a separation at a time when her health is not the best.

I have the propensity for taking another's sadness onboard, which in turn creates stress and heartache for me. Someone I care about hurts, then so do I. It's the natural order of friendship. That's when my faith helps me. I take comfort, that my control freak abilities, are of no use here what so ever! I can't take away the hurt, I can't 'make things better'. I know when I'm beaten and when it's time to hand over to God. I also take comfort knowing that he watches over my friends, and that they can and do call on Him.

I pray that You bring them peace and comfort. I pray they can sleep well and that they are easy on themselves. I pray that the nights aren't haunted. I pray that they're days will have lots of love and laughter so that the sad moments are easier to bear. Amen.

Stieg Larsson - The Millenium Trilogy

I have just finished the second book in this trilogy. I found 'The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo' slow going at first but am pleased that I persevered. The second book 'The Girl who Played with Fire', was a fantastic book, I was unable to put it down. I'd downloaded it in ebook format and read for most of the afternoons on the weekend. I was most upset, when for some reason the last part of the ebook was missing!!! I spent about two hours trying to find it to download it again. I downloaded the audiobook version and had to leave it overnight. Unfortunately the recording was not complete and when I synced my iPhone in the morning, only a third of the book was on my iPhone!! I tried to purchase the book then, via various ebook sites, but it's geographically restricted. In the end I bought the book so I could listen to the last part. I'm so glad I did, it was gripping.

Lisbeth Salander is a brilliant young woman, whose never been acknowledged for her many skills. She's created an insular being out of her self. She has no use for others, has no knowledge of how to cultivate a friendship, or how to live a normal life. As the books go on, you learn why she is how she is, and I just kept marvelling at her brilliance. Her survival skills and clever planning are nearly her undoing though, and the ending of the second book was riveting. In the first book she becomes an unlikely researcher for Mikael Blomkvist, a journalist. He features in both books, and even though they don't even speak to one another in the second book, their bond is unbreakable.

I'm so excited that the first book is released this week. I will go and see it, and I can't wait.

No other news. Everyone here is fine. Sammy had a great time at camp. He coped well with the different routine and was very happy while away. His asthma was better by the time he came home, so no dramas there. Everyone is well and looking forward to the Easter break. This term has gone very quickly.

Monday Morning

I've been on the hunt for a new blogging program. I've used MacJournal, which is great, but doesn't support uploading images to Blogger. I've also tried Journler, but it doesn't support image uploads either. I've tried Ecto and it crashed. Picasa uploads photos successfully to Blogger, but only four at a time, which is annoying sometimes. Now I'm trialling Blogo, it uploads images fine, and resizes them too which is great. I hope the new iPhoto will support image uploads.

Izzy went to the vet this morning for her second round of vaccinations. In two weeks she'll be neutered. Sammy went to the GP, his asthma has flared up and is quite worrying. It's still not something I've come completely to grips with. Asthma is one of those things that many people become complacent about and are also basically ignorant about, probably because it's so prevalent amongst kids. The bottom line is Asthma is unpredictable and a killer!! Certainly not to be taken lightly or without the correct treatment. Sammy is going to his first camp on Wednesday and I want him to be as well as can be, and to have his asthma plan all up to date, in the event that something happens. Thankfully they're in civilization and close to medical facilities.

Actually one thing I really like about this program is that you can drag and drop pics - very helpful. I've got some Daisy work done today, not as much as I'd like to though. Being out with appointments this morning put the kibosh on that.

I am really enjoying reading and listening to audiobooks at the moment. I'm into reading Harlan Coben as recommended by my good friend Sheree. I'm also reading the millennium series by Stieg Larsson at the moment. I am trying to get my Dad into audiobooks, but unfortunately my purchased ones don't work on his computer.

More pics

Have a moment to update some more before my parents come for lunch. Lunch is roast pork, sauerkraut, dumplings and apple sauce, with an apfel strudel with cream and ice cream for dessert. Should be delicious. Mum makes the sauerkraut, it's a combined thing normally, and I've made three strudels. The roast is in the oven and smells divine. I've filled it full of garlic and rosemary last night. I hate the smell of garlic in the morning as much as I love the taste of it with a meal........makes me feel ill. So I'm pleased I did it last night. I slept in this morning and had a slow start which was lovely.

The above layout is a template by Karla Dudley, (I think)....... the photos are of a birthday party Mickey was invited to. I've had it open and unfinished for two weeks in PSE. I stil don't think it's finished. Not sure what else to add though. Love the clean lines of it and the colours. I'm doing heaps with turquoise, aquas, greens and blues of late, I just love it. I'm feeling the urge to play with a little pink too, so will make some pink cards I think.

On the weight loss front, I've lost enough that I no longer feel gross, but still nowhere near where I want to be. I'm not journalling and watching every mouthful.....

Parents are here...back later.

A pictorial update

My Mermaid cards

Birthday Anya - The Greeting Farm stamp

Some gift tags I made

A card I made I'm not all that happy with.

I just love these mermaid cards, they're completely card lifted and I've used The Greeting Farm, stamp. I love these stamps, love their anime like cuteness and they're perfect for use with Copic markers.

Apologies for the higgeldypigeldyness of my photos. Blogger doesn't make it easy to upload several photos. I've got more but have guests coming for lunch so had better hop to it!!

Update

* I could quite easily update my blog every single day. I have the time, just generally not the inclination.

Weight loss is travelling along well. I've lost around 3kgs. Not being too pedantic with the scales and I'm not tracking my food. I eat no morning or afternoon tea unless it's fruit, and I'm eating less at dinner time. On my last check up at the doctor, all my blood test results were good, including BP.

* I’m frustrated because I can't exercise. I tried for three weeks but my achilles has just worsened again. Not sure what to do next. It seems I get about 10 days coverage after I've been to the physiotherapist and then worsens after that. I just can’t afford weekly treatment...... I’ve read lots about it, and I’m doing all the right things, but wish I could have more massage therapy.

* Izzy was very sick two weeks ago. $220 later, antibiotics and even an overnight stay at the vet's and she's all good now. Thank goodness. I was very worried about her. I’m taking her for her vaccinations today, then I’ll let her outside again. She’s desperate to go out and explore and it’s getting harder every day to keep her inside.

* I went on retreat last weekend, which was great fun. I was soooooo tired afterwards, I swear it gets harder at every one, and I didn't even stay as late as I normally do. Sat next to Suzy all weekend, and enjoyed the company immensely. Got to see Alaine and Sheree from Brisbane which was a highlight. I don't see them nearly often enough and love catching up with them. I wished we lived closer to one another. It's a special friendship which I am sure would deepen if we were closer. One of my closest friends, whom I'd dearly love to spend more time with, couldn't be there. We're only at a retreat together once a year....... :( I missed her and wished she'd been with us, especially when we were laughing hard ........Karen would have just cracked up, and made me laugh all the more. I can control myself in a situation, but when someone close to me laughs I just lose it. At one point I'd recovered from laughing at someone, and Suzy was laughing quietly with her head down, and my resolve just disappeared lol......the mirth bubbles up inside me and just spills over. Nothing like laughter!

I am beginning to use my Copics better, it definitely is practise. The stamps from the Greeting Farm are just gorgeous. I've bought one digi one and two rubber ones. I've found a few new blogs to inspire me, and it's cool exploring new techniques.

* I have digi scrapping that I want to do. My photos come up as my screensaver and remind me of the stories I still need to tell. I pulled out one of my albums the other day and fell in love with the stories and the photos. It doesn't matter if I don't paper scrap, but I need to do something and the stories need telling and the photos need documenting. My plan is to go through my pics, and create a workflow, from editing to final layout.

* Both my parents got the all clear recently after medical check-ups were instigated after suspicious symptoms. A wonderful relief to us all. I know they’re getting older, and I’ll keep praying that illnesses stay away. They are planning on going up north to visit Ricky and Dee, and to explore a bit too. It will be good for them. They are waiting for the cooler weather. This summer has been a hot one, and I know I am not alone looking forward to the cooler months.

* I have been listening to all the Michael Connelly novels and am deeply immersed in 9 Dragons at the moment. They’re great books, not generally bedtime fare as they’re murder/mystrey but I just love reading them and I love the main character. I’m really sad though as I’m up to his second last book. I’ve got one more to listen to and then I’ll be waiting for his new release this year. Harry Bosch, is the main character a Detective working for the LAPD. He’s in his 50’s, so I don’t know for how much longer Michael Connelly can keep using him. The previous book I read was called ‘Brass Verdict’ it was centred around Mickey Haller, with only appearances by Harry, and I enjoyed it must as much, so when Harry retires, I’ll still remain a fan of the author.

* I have been working hard trying to get Daisy's up to par. Slowly but surely I'm beginning to be more comfortable with Joomla. I can even add menus now, which sounds simple but not so when you're teaching yourself. Can't wait to see the store actually working as I'm desperate to know if I've set it up right.

* I know I’ve got more to add, but it escapes me at the moment. Best upload this, and hope it’s not too long between posts again.

Lose Weight

I was going to post this on another blog. I had a weight loss blog two years ago, which I kept fairly low key. Reading over old posts though, I see my knack for digression was rampant. I rarely stayed on the topic of the blog, so I've decided to post on here this time round. I lost weight in 2008, and promptly put it all back on over last year. After Christmas of 2008, I never went back to eating as I had, and the exercise regime fell away too.

I wrote down some notes in bed last night on my iPhone, and I've reviewed and revised them today after reading my food/exercise journal which I kept in 2008.

Lose weight
6 kilograms to fit in jeans for winter

Plan for Success and be prepared for challenges.

Challenges
Fri nights @ Daisys, Have chicken and cashews
No frappés
(Thai food is ok, I'll just cut out the rice and won't have the curry puffs which we've had occasionally and no KFC, or, if we have KFC, no chips.

Saturday nights - a night where I generally cook something nice, if I eat sensibly all week, I can have something yummy on Saturday night.
Steak or lamb chops, char grilled vegies, polenta, Osso Bucco, curries made on lite evap milk, Many of the things I cook, I can still eat on a Saturday night.

Weekdays
Stir fry. No rice for me
Salsa chicken
Meat and salad
Quiche
Fish
Poached chicken tosses through salad
Porcupines
Soups

Weekday meals don't have to change drastically either, which is good.


Thursday
Pita pizza
Steak sandwich no pommes
Smoked chicken and pasta or salad
Stay away from home made pizza with cheese, I could make our smoked salmon pizza...and it won't hurt Peter to eat less pepperoni and bacon.

No wine mon tue wed and fri or just one small glass instead of two small glasses.

I want to not eat morning and afternoon tea, unless it's a piece of fruit, then I can allow a small wine at night. I'd rather a glass of wine than morning or afternoon tea.

Exercise
Walk 20 mins everyday - go downstairs at 2.15pm. On Sat go down in am. Sunday go down after breakfast. My calf is still giving me a lot of trouble, both are but the left is worse. I've booked in to see my physio again. 20 mins today on the treadmill was agony. I walked heaps in 2008 even though my hip was so bad. I'd take pain killers beforehand. I'm sure the exercise is better than none at all.

Things to ponder.
I control food. It doesn't control me.
I am strong and determined.
I know I'm a health risk with being fat around my waist.
I'll feel better in as little as four weeks.
My anxiety attacks will ease.
I need to fit into my jeans, and I'd like to buy another pair for this winter, and I'm not going up a size.
I won't look so matronly.
Feeling guilty about being overweight is a much worse feeling than saying 'no' to a bad choice of food.

Tips for better choices
If peckish in the morning eat fruit
In the afternoon. Have pepsi and rice crackers.
Don't eat if I'm not hungry - nothing says I need to eat on the stroke of midday!! Something I do during the week, but am much more flexible with on a weekend.
Make sure my portions aren't huge. They should be much smaller than Peter's, not just a bit smaller.

Okay, so now it's out there. Making the decision is making me feel empowered. It really takes much more energy to whinge and whine and feel miserable about being fat than it does to do something positive. I've got a plan, and I know it's workable. I've done it before. I need to have a strategy in place when it gets toward Christmas though.

I'm not sure if I'm going to weigh myself religiously. I'll know on my clothing anway........

Niave

I had a very sheltered upbringing, a life with a brother and two parents who all loved and respected one another. We grew up with manners, and consideration and courtesy. We grew up surrounded by love and we were always well cared for. We had good food and were always taken on holidays. We enjoyed fun times with our family and friends.

I was well into adulthood, possibly even my late 20s before I realized the extent of evil that was in the world.

Watching Dr Phil today has just made me feel ill. It was of a family, or rather a man who molested an 8 year old girl, who later became his wife. She then gave birth to 11 children, the first at the age of 15. Her daughters were told they would be surrogate mothers, and one daughter bore two children to her father. The man, (I can't bring myself to call him a father) abused all his children and had sex with his daughters from when they were 8 or 9 years of age. The girls didn't go to school, and were prevented from talking to one another. They were not allowed to talk to their mother. The man ended up murdering 9 of the children, including the two he fathered to his daughter. He's in jail for 102 years...........while his family is trying to rebuild themselves. The mother was as much a victim as the children. She was 8 when he first molested her, she never went to school and had no skills to protect her own children. The guilt she suffers is overwhelming. Tomorrow the boys will be on the TV, I don't think I'll watch it. I don't know if I can watch another episode looking into those sad and haunted eyes. Actually I think the women will get through this better than the sons, there's a strength that you can see.

Then, to top it off, Oprah has a woman on her show, who has had her face shot off from her husband. She's had a face transplant, the first full transplant in the US, and the biggest face transplant in the world.

Evil.
Evil perpetrated under the guise of a husband or a father.......
Shattered lives,
Like a phoenix from the ashes
Rises, strength and determination.

I think sometimes we take for granted all the good that is in our lives. It's too easy to bemoan the fact that we want things, or we want more money, or a bigger house, or a nicer car.....

I have soooooo much to be grateful for. I think and give thanks for these things every single day.

*I have a hard working husband, a man who loves me and respects me and supports me in everything I do.
*My children are healthy, beautiful, strong and full of spunk
*My parents are much loved and in my life
* I have gorgoeus tiny little cottage, that we can afford
*I drive an old car, which doesn't break down
*I have great friends, they respect me, laugh and cry with me, they support me, and listen to me.
*Apart from some health issues, I'm healthy, and what I have I am managing
*I am comfortable and safe in my home
*I am free to come and go as I please
*I'm not told who to befriend, who to talk to, what to spend, when to come home, I do everything I wish because my judgement and actions are respected
*My children respect and love me


There are more things, but after seeing all the sadness that some people have to endure......I had to count my blessings.