Christmas Eve

I'm glad I made the effort to go into Daisy's. I've not done any scrapping or card making for months now, and even though I had good intentions with my stuff in the boot, I didn't even get it out of the car. I needed to be with my close friends, to just chat and be normal.

I shed some tears and enjoyed being surrounded by friends. I was home around eleven. I read from a beautiful Max Lucado book that my dear friend Barbi bought me, and I found some solace there.

This morning, I was rudely awoken by a grumpy husband. Mickey had thrown something in the bin, which was actually a gift left at the front door. My kids are well trained, that if there's a plastic bag at the door, it needs to be taken to the rubbish, this time, though, it was a bottle of wine left by a neighbour. Naturally Peter was cranky, and I awoke with his initial outburst. That seems to have set the tone for the day.

I'm on auto pilot. I don't want to do Christmas Eve. A day that's always been a highlight for me, has no lustre this year. It's raining outside, and my heart too is filled with tears. How can I prepare food and have everyone here to celebrate when one of the main guests is no longer here. I'm finding today harder than any other day so far. My heart is heavy, and I have much that still needs to be done.

Peter went out earlier to say goodbye to my Uncle who came up for the funeral, and he came back and said everyone was coming later, than usual. This has given me a reprieve. Time to collect myself and get organized without the rush.

The gifts are under the tree, they look meagre. Thank God I'd already bought them before Dad died, otherwise I doubt there'd be anything at all.

I've prayed lots already this morning. For comfort and peace........

Heavenly Father
As we come together this afternoon, I pray that we can still rejoice. I want to rejoice in the birth of your Son, and also in the aura of the wonderful family I have. Lord, give me strength, to get through today and tomorrow with grace and serenity. Lord, give my Mum and Ricky the peace too, so they can enjoy this time as well.  I know that Dad is forever in our hearts and that he wouldn't want us to be miserable today. Knowing is one thing, but I want to feel that and be comfortable with that in my heart. I have been filled with your peace and your holy spirit all week long, I've felt your presence there, very strongly. Please continue to comfort me.

In the name of the Father, Son and the Holy Spirit - Amen.

Update

It's been a hard week.

Dad's funeral on Tuesday, was beautiful. It was simple, touching, emotional, prayerful and a celebration of a life well lived. I am grateful that I found the strength to read the eulogy I'd written, and also the words that Billy-Joe had written for his Opa.

We had a wake back here afterwards. About 20 people came back to our house, we had loads to drink and eat. It was a nice time, we laughed and had fun, but it's tinged now with a sadness that can't be explained. I guess it's guilt. Why can we laugh, when Dad is no longer here. He should be sitting in the midst of all this, enjoying himself and enjoying being surrounded by those who loved him best. Having my uncle here has been great. Especially for Mum. It's a good connection to the past.

I still can't believe that he's gone, and I keep reliving those last moments of the last few weeks and of the time we spent in Rainbow together. Yesterday I made my Vanilla Kipferl, not until I'd had a cry though. I made them primarily for my Dad, as they were biscuits he was used to having back in Austria. They smell so divine when they come out of the oven and they're sprinkled with vanilla sugar and icing sugar. I hope they serve vanilla kipferl in heaven.

Last night, everyone was here again, just the family. Eleven of us, had a few drinks and pizza for dinner. It was good fun, but I hurt every time I look at my Mum and I see that faraway look in her eyes. I feel so sad for her, knowing that after Christmas, the real mourning will begin. No one will be around her everyday and the reality of being alone will hit her. Mum and Dad were such creatures of habit, and they did everything together.

Christmas will not be the same this year. The kids are excited and so for them we've not cancelled it. I don't even know if I've got enough gifts. I haven't wrapped them yet, or sorted them out. I've just been buying and shoving them into the cupboard. I don't know if I'll have the gifts in time for the girls. I hope they arrive today.

I sit down, looking for some respite, from thinking and from doing chores, but I can't settle. I've not picked up my Kindle, nor have I watched a movie. I need to study too, and have done nothing....... My sleep patterns are all over the place.

I miss you so much Dad. xxxxx

Update

It's been a hard week. Dad's funeral on Tuesday, was beautiful. It was simple, touching, emotional, prayerful and a celebration of a life well lived. I am grateful that I found the strength to read the eulogy I'd written, and also the words that Billy-Joe had written for his Opa. I still can't believe that he's gone, and I keep reliving those last moments of the last few weeks and of the time we spent in Rainbow together. Yesterday I made my Vanilla Kipferl, not until I'd had a cry though. I made them primarily for my Dad, as they were biscuits he was used to having back in Austria. They smell so divine when they come out of the oven and they're sprinkled with vanilla sugar and icing sugar. I hope they serve vanilla kipferln in heaven.

A Letter

Dear Dad
My quiet moments are filled with thoughts of you. Especially as I prepare my heart and mind to say goodbye to you today.

We've put a day together that we hope you will enjoy. I want you to look down and see how much we all love you. We want it to be special and beautiful and for you to see how much you meant to us. We will endeavor to celebrate your life. You've left us with many precious memories, and I'm so glad that I have them. It brings you back to life in my mind's eye.

I find it hard to realize the finality of what has happened. I'm not angry that you're gone but I feel an overwhelming sadness and emptiness. You were such a big part of our lives and it's impossible to imagine you not in it. Sammy told me that he can't imagine life without you. Already he is thinking of special occasions that you won't be with us anymore. He wants a chair left for you, and a plate of food too.

I'm so very proud to be your daughter. I'm so happy that we got to spend time at Rainbow with you. My children will cherish that memory forever.

I love you Dad. Forever and ever. Xxxxx

Good Bye

If you gazed upon the heavens tonight and felt the sky looked a little brighter, it's because there's a new star in heaven. This morning, Saturday 17th December my beloved Dad became a new shining star. 

After a short hospital stay due to a pulmonary embolism he suffered a massive heart attack and left this world for the hereafter. 

It's 3.30am and sleep currently eludes me as I reflect upon yesterday. I spent the day surrounded by the love of my closest family and dearest friends. 

Dear Heavenly Father, look after your new angel. Let him know that we will look after his beloved wife and we are so grateful for having had him as our Dad, husband and friend. He will be sadly missed but will live on forever in our hearts. I'm so proud to be his daughter. 

Amen.