Flat days, good days, whatever days.

It's been a not so good day today. They always seem to hit me when I least expect it and usually when I've got no plans. Seems that me chilling out and deciding to relax isn't really a good idea for me. I had a blast last night. I miss Barbi so much when I don't see her during the week. The delight for both of us when we see each other is just beautiful. My entire persona takes a huge feeling of buoyancy when I see her. It doesn't matter what goes on in my mind at the time, seeing her and getting a huge hug, strips it all away. She's calm and love and comfort personified. God definitely blessed her with an aura. We've been friends now for over 12 years and that feeling always emanates from her. Last night we shared a bottle of champagne, we laughed and planned and chatted and relished in being together. Shame that I woke up today and the day was the total opposite. I felt miserable. I got up early as I hadn't slept well, I hadn't even turned my audiobook until around 2am. I went into town and took Sammy. He had a trim, we had morning tea st Donut King and bought a few things at Woolies. I came home, took my makeup off and donned the jammies and went back to bed. I feel like I wasted the day snoozing. I feel better now. We've just had a nice dinner. Roast eye fillet a pepper sauce with roast vegies and Peter made a garlic and herb butter which was heavenly on a doughy French stick. Dad I think of you all the time. The iPhoto screensaver shows your smiling face all the time. You look so good and so happy and alive. That's hiw I'll remember you. Dear God look after Mama. I can only begin to imagine what she's going through.

Update

I spent most of today with my Mum. I didn't want to spare a day as I have two assignments due next week and I've not done much since Dad died. What she needed doing today was weighing heavily upon her mind so it was important to do ASAP. My Mum asked for my help with notifying all the relevant bodies about Dad so that everything us tidied up and in her name. Dad did all this in the past, or if it was complicated he'd come to me. Mum couldn't face going to all the relevant offices to inform them of Dad's death, nor did she have the strength to complete things over the phone. I'm so glad I was able to help her as it was tedious. Mum felt quite distraught by the end of the day I can only imagine how difficult it would have been for her otherwise. I spent almost two hours on the phone this morning, then we went into town. The first place we waited for an hour, only to be told we couldn't finalize things that day. We then went to banks and had a bite to eat. I spent another hour on the phone fixing up the power and phone companies for her. We achieved a lot and Mum felt like a huge weight had been lifted off her shoulders. I'm glad I was there to hug her as she walked out of one bank in tears. I was glad I could grasp her hand when I felt she was struggling. It was a very tough day for her today. She cried when I got there early this morning. She said that she doesn't 'feel' Dad in the house like she thought she would. In some ways it feels like he's been gone a long time already. Mum said that in little ways he was already withdrawing from her. I believe he knew the end was near. The five days that Dad was in hospital he was so happy. He joked, he laughed and he looked at peace. Dad, a typical man was never a good patient so this surprised me. Mum said she could see in his eyes that a part of him was no longer here....... It's strange because as I sat beside him when he'd not long gone and then even more so when I viewed him at the funeral home, Dad was gone. His soul was gone and with it everything that was him. I though that seeing him one more time was the final goodbye but it was when I left the hospital on the Thursday evening. When he blew me a kiss as I turned back when I was almost out the door. What was in the bed and then in the coffin wasn't my Dad anymore. It was a shell. His very being and essence was gone. Those would have left the instant the light left his eyes. Since my Dad has gone my faith has been even stronger. I managed today feeling strong and capable. I needed to be strong for Mum. It's now my turn to look after her. She couldn't have done all the paperwork/talking today and Ricky couldn't even ring to cancel Dad's Internet. He said he tried a couple of times but couldn't do it. But I could. It surprises me. I've not cried a huge amount since he's been gone. Even at the funeral I didn't cry a lot. I've cried more at people's funerals that I've barely known, as I've cried for the hurt and pain for the close family. I believe my faith has given me the strength to go on. To not drop my bundle and to be strong enough for Mum. Strangely enough I had a cry when I typed an earlier paragraph. My Mum is so sad. I hope that me being close helps her to find new meaning and happiness in her life. Every night I pray for her. I love you Mama and I'm always here for you. xxxxxxx