Tuesday, December 15, 2009

The good, the bad and the ugly

At Carols by Candlelight on Sunday night. The lady across the road wanted to take my boys, but I wanted to go too. As her car was then out of action, I ended up taking her. We had a lovely time. She's a very kind and generous lady and even bought us sausages in bread and iced coffees.....she also bought the kids glow sticks. The music was good and it was a pleasant evening, finishing with a great display of fireworks. The kids loved those....first time they've seen them close up since they were babies and would cry at them lol......

When Peter went downstairs to go to bed on Saturday night, he found this snake on the verandah. She was checking out Charlie. He brought the snake upstairs for me to see, but I wasn't really expecting it when I opened the front door!!! I patted her and thought she was beautiful. He let her go down in the backyard......and no the snake isn't the 'ugly' part of my post lol......

There's been lots of good happening of late and a little bad. No ugliness really, just had to make the title sound good!

The last two and a half weeks have been a little up and down, thankfully the trend in the last two and a half weeks has gradually and steadily gone up. Prior to that, things weren't good.

Every year, at this time of the year, I feel like crap, probably from before then too, but I've really noticed a pattern. I feel so tired and overwhelmed it's horrid. I emailed a close friend and told her of my heart racing and sense of doom. It's like I have a long list of 'to dos' and even though I'm organized I feel like I'm not getting anywhere. She said it sounded like a panic attack and that I should go to the doctor. I read up on panic attacks and I wasn't sure that's what I was having as I didn't feel like I was going to die, just like I had to react quickly. I felt so calm and relaxed and my insides were in turmoil. A girlfriend of mine explained it like the duck swimming on the lake. Above water all you see is a calm duck gliding around the lake, but under the water the little feet were going a hundred miles and hour. That's me..... I was so looking forward to the holidays, I'd not finished buying my gifts, I'd not cooked anything, it was still too early, I was busy, but organized, so I couldn't understand what I was feeling. I say 'no' to things I don't want to do, as I don't want to over extend myself. I protect myself a lot from over commitment, because of my depression and feelings of not coping...... The doctor was just lovely. He told me I was having anxiety attacks and that I could take a half a valium at night time just for a few weeks, just to get me over this time. Obviously my anti depressants just aren't enough in times of stress......even nice stress, which then becomes distress for me....

The half a pill gives me good nights sleeps, because I wasn't sleeping well anymore, and I feel calm and the racing heart has only happened a few times in the two weeks. The doctor said I could take half during the day too, but I haven't felt the need.

In the middle of the concerns for Christmas, I have been working on the website and feeling way in over my head. It's just become increasinly obvious that when the site was created so that we could manage it, it was done hastily and with no real thought to ease of use, or the future. Me trying to take over something created by someone no longer on the scene was creating an awful amount of stress on me....... There were such huge expectations on me and I'm not sure I can come to the party. I'm feeling a bit better now, I think the calm pills are keeping things in perspective for me. I've got the site to a point though, where it will be all new, and easy to use. The front page looks so much better and the shopping cart, will be built from scratch. I feel so much better about this now. I still have a lot of work ahead of me, and a steep learning curve, but it feels attainable now. I'm thankful that this time we're not dealing with an arrogant web designer like last time, but a young woman who is giving of her time and knowledge. A much nicer working relationship......

My Christmas shopping is all but done. When I wrap on Thursday (when the kids are at holiday care) the inequalities will become glaringly obvious, but I want to have a better view of things with everything out and wrapped, rather than just squashed in my cupboard. One of my children's gift tally in $$$ is much lower, so I may balance that out by buying something which will benefit us all. I've still got to get Peter's gift too. He wants a golf practice net, and the kids can use it too, so that's a visit to the pro shop which isn't a hassle. I've begun my baking, so that's a nice feeling. Now to not be tempted to try more than once lol...... Tomorrow I'll do another lot of biscuits and I hope to get my fruit cake done too. Next week I will have time to make some chocolate thing...not sure yet. I might even make a Panforte or Almond Bread. I also still want to get my hair coloured before Christmas although it's not diabolical, because I went a little darker last time and the regrowth isn't noticeable.

Two weeks ago I did my girlfriend's annual Christmas Album Class, I finished it last Friday and it's just gorgeous. I do enjoy playing with scrapbooking goodies. However I've not bought anything else for paper scrapping, I'm just over the clutter.......I've done a digi layout and had fun with the classes I'm doing. I'm still scrapping, taking photos and writing down my stories, so I'm happy with that.

Over the last couple of days my son has been teaching me how to play Spore.... I'm having a ball,but far out it's hard. I want to train my mind, I want to be able to focus better, so this takes speed, accuracy and thought......anyone who thinks kids' computer games are mindless wastes of time, really have no idea what they're talking about. There are so many thought processes involved.....its quite amazing really.


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