Moments of Randomness

*Coaltar soap smells odd - but denotes love to me. My Bunny used to use it when we first met. I used to just love his chest hair, because it smelled of this unusual scent which I'd never smelt before. He used to live in a little cane cutters cottage, which had no running water inside, and no shower. He would shower under the tank stand in the backyard with cold water, straight from the tank. (Does anyone remember the opening scene of Lady Chatterley's Lover???)

* Good quality wine tastes wonderful
* Being sick sucks
* My kids love my home cooking
* Family is everything
* My home is humble and small, but I love it


I bought a cake of Coaltar soap today!

A brighter day

I'm on the hunt for a new GP. My old GP is okay, his care has been fine, but there's something lacking - empathy and a sense of humour. I like to be treated with both. I feel they are my strong qualities when dealing with others, and I now know that it's something I crave. I don't need sympathy or pity, by any stretch, but an understanding and an empathetic ear, goes a long long way.

Today I went to a new clinic. I saw a doctor, he was pleasant enough. I was booked in to see a lady Doctor, but she went home ill, so my appointment was rescheduled. I was basically after a referal to have my shoulder scanned, meanwhile checking out the 'feel' for the clinic. Parking was a cinch, which is important in this town. There's a chemist adjacent which is a huge plus. It's close to home, and they bulk bill which is rare these days.

My anti depressants have been increased too for the next couple of months. I know this will make a difference.

My shoulder has gotten increasingly worse this last few days. Yesterday I was in so much pain, I couldn't do much at all. My left hand and arm is now doing so much more. I was even 'mousing' with my left hand yesterday. I had to bring my physio appointment forward because the pain was so acute. It's a long way from better, but much better today than it was yesterday. I had to do the groceries this morning, so I did it very slowly (I hate trolleys!!!!), and carrying in the groceries to the house, took eight trips. I only carried really light stuff in my right hand. I've been getting Peter to drain the pasta or rice this week, and he's had to lift my heavy scanpan. I've even had him wipe the bench at night. Now my left hand can do a good job of that. I open windows and doors with my left hand. Thank God I'm not carrying an infant anymore!

My tummy still felt 'icky' this morning. I actually felt like I had morning sickness. Not a nice feeling, but thankfully it's subsided. I feel better now than I've felt for days in my stomach. I'm looking forward to dinner and a chardy later.

Barbi came and visited and spent a few hours with me. That woman is good for my head, heart and soul. We didn't even talk about me. It's just her presence. She exudes a goodness that I just drink in when I'm around her. We drank good coffee, ate good cakes and had a light lunch.

I'm heading out now to pick up my little ones. Billy-Joe is across the road with Sheila, one of our elderly neighbours that we keep an eye on. She is quite artistic and Billy-Joe is asking her questions about drawing. So nice to see that a young pre pubescent boy is interested in what an old lady has to offer. Very very sweet, and I'm sure Sheila will be rapt that he came to see her.

Dr. Phil

I have missed Dr. Phil in the last few weeks, because they've had a new show on, called 'Ask the Doctors'. It's not a bad show, but they'll often concentrate on things that I already know, they focus on the 'get healthy' track more often than not. Their interesting shows have been on the less common issues, like certain diseases etc...... However, even though I'm a wanna be doctor, I have missed Dr. Phil.

I have always liked his straight forward approach. I don't always agree with Dr. Phil - but most times I do. He calls a spade a spade and has helped thousands of people with his no nonsense, rational approach to issues.

He's been back on this week, and I'm pleased about that. Today's show, wasn't the ideal one to have on while I was eating lunch! The show focused on a woman who had OCD. She is a compulsive hoarder. Actually this woman had more than one issue.

They showed the rubbish in her house. Normally, when I've seen previous shows on hoarders, it's just loads and loads of 'clean' rubbish. But this was just the most revolting thing I've ever seen. Like I said, not good lunch viewing. This woman had so much food, just rotting in the fridges and freezers. The freezer in the garage which was inaccessible due to all the rubbish in front of it (one truckload!!), had opened, so all the food was defrosted. The freezer was full of maggots and sludge - just vile. The kitchen fridge didn't fare any better. I was shocked and saddened to see this. The woman has children - really lovely kids. I'm so sad to think that these kids have had to grow up like this. The woman had her own issues of anxiety and depression, and found the whole cleaning up thing very very stressful. Added to that her boyfriend is a drunk! My heart just went out to the kids.

Dr. Phil has thrown resources at her, for her to clean up her home and to get better herself. The kids love her, and support her. I hope she continues on her journey, for their sakes as much as hers.

As an aside, I am pleased that she was getting help, and all for free. But I don't think she 'got' the gravity of what she'd done. There didn't seem to be any shame in the state of the house, nor a whole lot of gratitude about what she'd received...... Maybe that's just the cynic inside of me.

And I hate it when I find a dust bunny, or a floppy carrot in the crisper drawer......

Just want out of the valley

With my depression, I expect valleys and hills. Thank goodness in the last few years, since I've been back on permanent medication the valleys have been relatively short, and, normally I just hibernate for a few days and then I feel okay again.

I feel like I've been in my valley since Christmas. I just feel so flat. I have no energy and I do the barest minimum of what I need to do. I have had good days, don't get me wrong, but they don't stick around. I am so cranky at myself. I currently have so much time and could be making the most of it. I could go out, I could stay home and scrapbook. I could create every single day. I stay home, unless I'm asked to go out - and generally it's not social. I do my groceries and thank goodness I still go out every Friday night - but many weeks, I don't go anywhere from one Friday to the next apart from kids' stuff, and the supermarket.

I feel happy in a way. I'm not doom and gloom, just very flat. I have all that I want and need. My family are around me and love me dearly. My home is small but adequate for us, and it's ours (as opposed to rented, which we did for many years).

If I look back over the last few weeks, my health hasn't been great. Between my sinus infection, my hip, my shoulder and now this tummy bug - I guess it's not conducive to feeling like jumping up and down with joy. I have nothing at the moment that I feel excited or passionate about. Nothing to look forward to. I can and do try to focus on the positives in my life. There's no stress in my life either and I am grateful for that.

I'm off to the physio again on Thursday with my shoulder and I know she wants me to have it scanned. I honestly don't want to get on that roundabout again. GP - Radiology - GP - Specialist - GP - back to physio because nothing can be done anyway. I've lost count with the number of times I've been on that roundabout. I know that one of the symptoms of depression and peri menopause, us more aches and pains, but I've always considered them to be a general thing. Kind of like when you have the flu and hurt all over, rather than specific things 'going' on one's body. It seems like my body fights me every step of the way.

I try so damn hard to be healthier.

The year before last, I started ballroom dancing and I hurt my hip. Last year I started walking and my hip got so bad, I had to stop, because I couldn't walk the hills anymore. I've now had to stop my weights because of my shoulder! I've stopped the treadmill because of my hip again. I will restart though, I just can't understand why I always have these hurdles.

I'm not trying some crazy fad, I'm not doing anything unreasonable. I'm fit enough to be able to do these things, but my muscles protest and stop me from doing what my body needs.

So if you find my mojo, my energy, my motivation or my inspiration, please send it my way. I've been taking multi vitamins to help with the energy levels, but that's done nothing.

Sorry for another down post. I wanted to update my blog though, and this blog has always been an honest outlet for me - for good feelings and thoughts and also for the not so good ones.

My family are all well again, they've all had the tummy virus, and it took two weeks to get to me. I think I have a 'watered down' version, because I am not vomiting like Sammy was, just good friends with the toilet. I can still eat, but am eating less.

I just want the spring back in my step. I don't just want to be going through the motions.

I want to feel something!