Monday, March 16, 2009

Just want out of the valley

With my depression, I expect valleys and hills. Thank goodness in the last few years, since I've been back on permanent medication the valleys have been relatively short, and, normally I just hibernate for a few days and then I feel okay again.

I feel like I've been in my valley since Christmas. I just feel so flat. I have no energy and I do the barest minimum of what I need to do. I have had good days, don't get me wrong, but they don't stick around. I am so cranky at myself. I currently have so much time and could be making the most of it. I could go out, I could stay home and scrapbook. I could create every single day. I stay home, unless I'm asked to go out - and generally it's not social. I do my groceries and thank goodness I still go out every Friday night - but many weeks, I don't go anywhere from one Friday to the next apart from kids' stuff, and the supermarket.

I feel happy in a way. I'm not doom and gloom, just very flat. I have all that I want and need. My family are around me and love me dearly. My home is small but adequate for us, and it's ours (as opposed to rented, which we did for many years).

If I look back over the last few weeks, my health hasn't been great. Between my sinus infection, my hip, my shoulder and now this tummy bug - I guess it's not conducive to feeling like jumping up and down with joy. I have nothing at the moment that I feel excited or passionate about. Nothing to look forward to. I can and do try to focus on the positives in my life. There's no stress in my life either and I am grateful for that.

I'm off to the physio again on Thursday with my shoulder and I know she wants me to have it scanned. I honestly don't want to get on that roundabout again. GP - Radiology - GP - Specialist - GP - back to physio because nothing can be done anyway. I've lost count with the number of times I've been on that roundabout. I know that one of the symptoms of depression and peri menopause, us more aches and pains, but I've always considered them to be a general thing. Kind of like when you have the flu and hurt all over, rather than specific things 'going' on one's body. It seems like my body fights me every step of the way.

I try so damn hard to be healthier.

The year before last, I started ballroom dancing and I hurt my hip. Last year I started walking and my hip got so bad, I had to stop, because I couldn't walk the hills anymore. I've now had to stop my weights because of my shoulder! I've stopped the treadmill because of my hip again. I will restart though, I just can't understand why I always have these hurdles.

I'm not trying some crazy fad, I'm not doing anything unreasonable. I'm fit enough to be able to do these things, but my muscles protest and stop me from doing what my body needs.

So if you find my mojo, my energy, my motivation or my inspiration, please send it my way. I've been taking multi vitamins to help with the energy levels, but that's done nothing.

Sorry for another down post. I wanted to update my blog though, and this blog has always been an honest outlet for me - for good feelings and thoughts and also for the not so good ones.

My family are all well again, they've all had the tummy virus, and it took two weeks to get to me. I think I have a 'watered down' version, because I am not vomiting like Sammy was, just good friends with the toilet. I can still eat, but am eating less.

I just want the spring back in my step. I don't just want to be going through the motions.

I want to feel something!

4 comments:

Chris H said...

I have been in the same situation.. where life was just 'flat'... I was seriously depressed... I took anti depressants and my life turned around! I'm not saying you should take them of course, but they are there if you really need help mate. Life is too short for it to be miserable or flat... if something can be done I say "DO IT"! If I hadn't taken then I really don't think I would be here now... ALIVE and enjoying life again.

Alaine said...

Hi Jenny, I can really relate to what you're saying, including the depression and feeling flat and all the aches and pains, all I can say is be kind to yourself. I try and find little things in the day that make me either feel a little better or take my mind off it. That's one of the reasons I listen to audio books, honestly if it wasn't for them, I wouldn't get out of bed some days. I often wonder when the joy will come back to my life and the passion and inspiration. Just hang in there, the future will take care of itself, just take care of you each day! Love and Prayers Alaine

Teddyree said...

Jenny, my heart goes out to you & you shouldn't apologise for a 'down' post. Your blog is for you and hopefully acts a bit like a support network when you're down or just don't feel up to being out in public!
I know how difficult it is, when you try so hard to be positive & do everything possible to stay healthy physically & mentally & either the body doesn't cooperate or the mind aint willing ... conspiracy theory.
All I can say is, you are not alone in feeling the way you do, & I hope that the love and support of friends and family in some small way helps you stay afloat until you your own floaties re-inflate. Love Sheree

t.t. millers said...

Jenny, I went through this "flatness" for years. It is horrible. The only thing worse is depression itself. I ended up going to the doctors and changing my medication to Prestiq. WHAT A DIFFERENCE. It took about a month, but now I feel SO HAPPY! It is great! I still have a few "blue" days. Nothing like before. Please, please, please talk to your doctor. Also know I am here for you!

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