With my depression, I expect valleys and hills. Thank goodness in the last few years, since I've been back on permanent medication the valleys have been relatively short, and, normally I just hibernate for a few days and then I feel okay again.
I feel like I've been in my valley since Christmas. I just feel so flat. I have no energy and I do the barest minimum of what I need to do. I have had good days, don't get me wrong, but they don't stick around. I am so cranky at myself. I currently have so much time and could be making the most of it. I could go out, I could stay home and scrapbook. I could create every single day. I stay home, unless I'm asked to go out - and generally it's not social. I do my groceries and thank goodness I still go out every Friday night - but many weeks, I don't go anywhere from one Friday to the next apart from kids' stuff, and the supermarket.
I feel happy in a way. I'm not doom and gloom, just very flat. I have all that I want and need. My family are around me and love me dearly. My home is small but adequate for us, and it's ours (as opposed to rented, which we did for many years).
If I look back over the last few weeks, my health hasn't been great. Between my sinus infection, my hip, my shoulder and now this tummy bug - I guess it's not conducive to feeling like jumping up and down with joy. I have nothing at the moment that I feel excited or passionate about. Nothing to look forward to. I can and do try to focus on the positives in my life. There's no stress in my life either and I am grateful for that.
I'm off to the physio again on Thursday with my shoulder and I know she wants me to have it scanned. I honestly don't want to get on that roundabout again. GP - Radiology - GP - Specialist - GP - back to physio because nothing can be done anyway. I've lost count with the number of times I've been on that roundabout. I know that one of the symptoms of depression and peri menopause, us more aches and pains, but I've always considered them to be a general thing. Kind of like when you have the flu and hurt all over, rather than specific things 'going' on one's body. It seems like my body fights me every step of the way.
I try so damn hard to be healthier.
The year before last, I started ballroom dancing and I hurt my hip. Last year I started walking and my hip got so bad, I had to stop, because I couldn't walk the hills anymore. I've now had to stop my weights because of my shoulder! I've stopped the treadmill because of my hip again. I will restart though, I just can't understand why I always have these hurdles.
I'm not trying some crazy fad, I'm not doing anything unreasonable. I'm fit enough to be able to do these things, but my muscles protest and stop me from doing what my body needs.
So if you find my mojo, my energy, my motivation or my inspiration, please send it my way. I've been taking multi vitamins to help with the energy levels, but that's done nothing.
Sorry for another down post. I wanted to update my blog though, and this blog has always been an honest outlet for me - for good feelings and thoughts and also for the not so good ones.
My family are all well again, they've all had the tummy virus, and it took two weeks to get to me. I think I have a 'watered down' version, because I am not vomiting like Sammy was, just good friends with the toilet. I can still eat, but am eating less.
I just want the spring back in my step. I don't just want to be going through the motions.
I want to feel something!
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