Sunday, April 03, 2011

Feeling betwixt and between

I hate feeling like this.

Not sure if it’s depression rearing its
ugly head, as it tends to from time to time. A little reminder, to show me that yes, I feel good, but don’t get so cocky as to believe you are 100% cured.

Or could it be that entering normality again, is just a huge, rude shock. The insular and safe nature of being in hospital with Billy-Joe had quite a sheltering affect on me. I felt safe, peaceful and I knew I was where I was needed most. While I knew my family missed me, I knew they were in good hands too, no need to me to worry about them at all.

I feel good when I’m surrounded by my friends, and I’m out and about, but at home I feel a little lost. The full load of responsibility of household and family has landed wholly and soley upon my lap again, where it belongs, but perhaps the speed in which real life travels is a rude awakening.

I do know, however, that this feeling will pass, it always does. It’s how I feel after the rush of Christmas is over, it’s how I feel after a crises situation, I felt like this coming home from hospital with Sammy when he’d spent his early days in the neonatal intensive care unit in Brisbane, that was the first time I’d experienced it and identified it.
Crisis over.
Now I can feel like crap!
That’s it in a nutshell I think. Now my mind goes crazy and creates ‘what if’ scenarios and the thankfulness I feel creates a guilt. A guilt for those not so lucky as I and mine.

The rational side of my mind, ticks over, a little slowly, but it casts a reprimand over my irrational side. It’s the quieter voice which will gain volume and momentum in the days ahead. Then it will once again be the dominant voice and these days will see a distant memory.

The mind is a complex minefield. I keep trying to understand myself better, to avoid these dips in mindset.

Today, I sit quietly on my bed with my Macbook. Peter is looking after the boys and spending time with them, the rain is pouring down outside, and we are all safe in our haven. I’m resting here, with my thoughts, prayers and my words, taking a little time out for the equilibrium to return. And it will return, I know that, I just need a little patience and to be kind to myself.


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