Saturday, May 15, 2010

Finally I have found my Joi De Vivre.....and what a wonderful feeling.

I have a blog post in my head on many days. I wonder when they'll invent that when you formulate a blog post (or anything that needs to be documented) it will actually appear on a computer screen or inside your phone? I believe that will happen one day. How cool would that be? From formulating To Dos to scheduling your day, to keeping a journal and writing letters and memos, to planning and strategy stuff, you could formulate it in your head, and voila have it appear in a calendar or word document on your computer or smartphone. It would mean a chip in the brain. I wonder how far away they are from stuff like that? Somehow I don't think I'll see that in my lifetime though - bummer. I wonder if they have technology in heaven?

But once again I digress lol.....I'm writing to update, but the title of this blog is after all 'Labyrinthine Musings' which means I can go where ever I please with my ramblings as the reader has been forewarned.

I was going to do dot points, but paragraphs are probably more suited. I'll start with my weight as you may think that me neglecting to mention this means that it's no longer a priority.

I am happy and relieved to report that I'm currently over 7kgs lighter than when I started my crusade earlier this year. My BMI is now 25.6 and I want it to be under 25 so I'm very close. I don't consider myself overweight anymore, but know that another 4kgs would be just fantastic, and I am currently closer to my pre-children weight than I've ever been post children. The wonderful part though, is that I'm not really dieting. I watch what I eat most times, but on the weekends, I eat all the goodies I love. I don't eat cake as much as I used to, so my decadences reach out to really good dinners. My 'diet' is really two fold, I'm eating less and my change of medication. Little did I know, that the tablets I've been on for the last 8 years have been big contributors to my weight, and a huge reason, why I've not lost the weight, even whilst dieting. Two years ago when I was walking and jogging and dieting I was not as light as what I am now. I am very happy, and feel so much better and feel comfortable and good in my clothes. My goal of having my Jag jeans fit me again, is well and truly reached. I need to wear a belt with them, or I'm forever hitching them up. I've not worn a belt for years. I have, however no desire to exercise at the moment, which I know isn't a good thing. It's something I'm working towards though, as the benefits of exercise are much more than just mere weight loss or weight maintenance.

This brings me onto the next topic, my pain levels and where I'm at. Unfortunately, those areas are not as good. To say that I'm happy to be working from home with great flexibility would be an understatement. This has assisted my stress levels no end, and I'm grateful for the opportunity to be able to work from home. My achilles feel better many times, but then I'll walk around the Plaza for a couple of hours and they're screaming at me. I wear shoes with a slight heel, to take the pressure off, but the left one is agonizingly sore.... My shoulder doesn't hurt while it's just 'hanging' there. Nine mornings out of ten it doesn't hurt when I get up in the morning, because I've lain on it. But I'll move it in a certain way, or do some vigorous cleaning and I'll pay for it. If I reach out to put something away, it will catch and the pain is quite severe, but it's better than 12 months ago, so for that I am grateful. Unfortunately my back has not been good in the last few weeks, I was even incapacitated for a whole weekend. Thankfully the physio helped me. I'm sad that Carlie has left to pursue the next chapter of her life, (motherhood) but sad that she's no longer taking care of me. Yesterday I had to go back again, as it's flared up again. The physio suggested that how I sit when I work could be a problem. So, today I've been working for a few hours and have sat with my legs down, not outstretched on my recliner like I normally do. This has definitely helped, so he's right there. I'm enjoying the cool weather at the moment, because it means I can comfortably use a wheat bag.

Next week I go back to my new and wonderful GP. My medication will be increased and I'm excited about this. Not because my sleep which has settled into a pattern better than it was, and will probably be disrupted again, but because the pain relief that Cymbalta gives, will be interesting to see if this kicks in with the increase. I would love to exercise again, and I'm optimistic that this will help. Currently I've been on a dose given to an adolescent or old person, this has been for six weeks, and will double next week.

Initially I regarded the changes in me warily. Not ready to acknowledge that the medication was working, thinking that the placebo effect was playing a role here. (I'm now taking a new med, so you must feel better - right??) I'm confident now, though that it's not a placebo effect at all. And it's not me making an effort's not forced. I don't quite know how to explain how I feel, but I feel like me!! I feel like a huge cloud has been lifted off me. Even on the worst mornings, after four or five hours sleep, I've not felt as wretched in the mornings like I used to feel after a full night's sleep. Not a nice feeling going through life, where getting up in the morning is one of the most difficult things you have to do. When you dread to see what the day brings, when everything is a huge effort, and nothing on the horizon can make you feel brighter. When the monotony of drudgery seems never ending....when you make yourself enjoy things because you know you're supposed to, and it's not a spontaneous feeling. When you're inadequacies and shortcomings depress you further and add to your already fragile state of mind. I mentioned in my last post that I feel calmer and kinder. That feeling is lasting. I'm not as easily irritated which is a wonderful thing. I'm happy, truly happy, not just happy because I know I have a good life and should be happy. I'm happy, with my tiny home, and tiny mortgage, my wonderful and loving husband who works too damn hard to support us all, and my kids are a constant source of joy for me. A wonderful side effect of me feeling so good, is that my family is happier too. I know I only have a small house and will never own a home like I would love to have, I know I'll probably never drive a new car, I know I won't have over seas holidays, for a long time anyway, I know that whatever I want, we work for and save for. I do have a wonderful family and extended family, with so much love coming from all directions. I have enough money to pay for bills, and my luxuries are anticipated, loved and appreciated. I have joy from my great girlfriends who listen to me and support me always. I have a husband who loves, respects and adores me. He listens to me, and gives me so much support and room to grow, he's my biggest fan and I love him so much. I have three wonderful kids, with the sweetest personalities, the best manners, and a wonderful work ethic and desire for knowledge. They are complimented frequently, from friends and strangers on how well behaved and how well mannered they are. I'm so proud of them. They all work hard at school and are caring and loving. Really, I have it all.

My psychologist doesn't want to see me again. I talked to her about the guilt I sometimes feel about not doing some things that other mothers do. But I've come to the conclusion, that I am a very good mother. I might not do 'Reading Recovery' at school, or work in the tuck shop, or race them to different after school activities and sporting events........BUT.............. I have created a loving home. A place where my family comes to rest. Where they have fun and feel safe. I have a great skill in dealing with 'issues' and am able to talk to my kids and help them in whatever they may be going through. I listen to them and they listen to me. I am a great resource for my kids with their homework. I can help all three and know that the progress they have made this year, is in some way because of me. They have a Mama who is technologically advanced and so they have a great teacher for all things IT. Just because I'm an older Mum, doesn't make me an old fuddy duddy lol..... My role as a Mother is to prepare my kids for their adult lives. My role is to give them knowledge in all things, especially life skills, in tolerance, patience, understanding and perseverance and consideration. They know they are a valued part of our lives, not the centre from which everything else rotates. They know we're all important in this family. They have a wonderful respect for our roles as parents and I treasure that so deeply. My kids don't have a sense of entitlement, something which many other kids have, and it's always showing in the twenty somethings, to be a disastrous way of thinking. As a family unit we work together very well. It's an awesome dynamic to be a part of. Five very different personalities living and loving together. What a blessing to be part of something like this.

Little things happen every single day, which make me realize that I'm doing the right things, that as a Mama, I'm succeeding. It will be a glance, a warm smile, or a twinkle in their eye. It will be a joke, or a kind word. This era in my role as a Mum is just perfect, both Bunny and I wish we could just pause it here.

It was damn hard work, those formative years. I've talked about that before and I don't ever want to go back there. I wished they'd been different. I wished I'd felt better, in many ways I missed enjoying them because it was so hard, but I also know my persistence and unfailing faith that I was doing the right thing, would pay off in the end. Thank God, I never gave up.

My kids aren't bullies, they aren't whingers, they aren't mean, they aren't deceitful, they're not rude, they're not antagonistic....... I no longer have any guilt. God made me the Mother for my kids. He created the kids for me! No longer will I compare myself to others. No longer will I look at another's qualities and consider them my shortcomings....because I have my own qualities. I don't need anyone to tell me I'm a good Mum. The proof is in my family.

I know without a shadow of doubt that my high level of self care is paramount to my abilities as a Mum. I'm no supermum, and I have no intention of being one. It's my self care which has taught the kids that it's not only my role to look after them and Daddy, but that we all take care of each other. While I'm the hub of the wheel, I'm also a cog, and if one cog doesn't work, the others don't either..... My mantra has always been, 'If Mama aint happy, aint nobody happy'. Well Mama is happy!!

A wonderful day of celebration. Mothers' Day. I had a fabulous weekend. On Saturday we went and visited Bunny's folks which was a lovely morning. Saturday night we had Thai take away which was delicious and watched half of 'Titanic', hope to watch the other half tonight. On Sunday I cooked a scrumptious roast pork with all the trimmings and the best crackle and a pavlova for dessert out of Julie Goodwin's cookbook. My Mum and Dad came and we had a great day. As always there was lots of laughs and just the best feeling. You know when you get that delicious warm feeling inside, when you're surrounded with your favouritest people in the whole wide world. Just awesome!!

Sammy and I.

Mickey and I

Bunny and I

Oma with Mickey, Billy-Joe and Sammy

Billy-Joe with his Oma


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