It's been a hard week.
Dad's funeral on Tuesday, was beautiful. It was simple, touching, emotional, prayerful and a celebration of a life well lived. I am grateful that I found the strength to read the eulogy I'd written, and also the words that Billy-Joe had written for his Opa.
We had a wake back here afterwards. About 20 people came back to our house, we had loads to drink and eat. It was a nice time, we laughed and had fun, but it's tinged now with a sadness that can't be explained. I guess it's guilt. Why can we laugh, when Dad is no longer here. He should be sitting in the midst of all this, enjoying himself and enjoying being surrounded by those who loved him best. Having my uncle here has been great. Especially for Mum. It's a good connection to the past.
I still can't believe that he's gone, and I keep reliving those last moments of the last few weeks and of the time we spent in Rainbow together. Yesterday I made my Vanilla Kipferl, not until I'd had a cry though. I made them primarily for my Dad, as they were biscuits he was used to having back in Austria. They smell so divine when they come out of the oven and they're sprinkled with vanilla sugar and icing sugar. I hope they serve vanilla kipferl in heaven.
Last night, everyone was here again, just the family. Eleven of us, had a few drinks and pizza for dinner. It was good fun, but I hurt every time I look at my Mum and I see that faraway look in her eyes. I feel so sad for her, knowing that after Christmas, the real mourning will begin. No one will be around her everyday and the reality of being alone will hit her. Mum and Dad were such creatures of habit, and they did everything together.
Christmas will not be the same this year. The kids are excited and so for them we've not cancelled it. I don't even know if I've got enough gifts. I haven't wrapped them yet, or sorted them out. I've just been buying and shoving them into the cupboard. I don't know if I'll have the gifts in time for the girls. I hope they arrive today.
I sit down, looking for some respite, from thinking and from doing chores, but I can't settle. I've not picked up my Kindle, nor have I watched a movie. I need to study too, and have done nothing....... My sleep patterns are all over the place.
I miss you so much Dad. xxxxx
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