Saturday, January 31, 2009

Slumped

When I analyze how I'm feeling at the moment, I'm reminded what a complex creature I am. I've had a really good week. School started back, the kids are happy. The house is calm and happy, and I am very happy with that. So, then why do I feel like crap? Why do I feel like I'm filled with dread which hurts and drives me to tears. Why is it when all is going so well, I don't feel like I want to feel. I have everything I need and lots of what I want. I am loved, cherished, respected. I feel needed and appreciated - so what then? It's this frustration which only adds fuel to the fire. The fire being uncertainty, self doubt and a lethargic frame of mind.

I psycho analyze everything when I feel like this. I know that I have these patches, usually every couple of months, and they usually pass. I have to give myself permission to feel like crap and just take it easy - it does always pass. But this time it's happened not all that long after my post Christmas slump and I'm angry, peeved, upset and frustrated at myself. I tell myself to snap out of it, but it's not so simple - how I wish it were. So I analyze every aspect of my life - exercise. Okay that's been non existent for the last ten days, and it always goes first when my mood deflates. Actually, it only takes the slightest change in routine or mood and exercise goes out the window and that is not a good thing. So I went on the treadmill this morning. Instead of beating myself up that I can't run as fast as long as I want to I am concentrating on how far I've come and what I can indeed do. I can remember a couple of years ago, I'd jog for a minute, then worked up to five minutes and felt like I'd won an Olympic medal. Now I can jog 8km/h for half an hour, for 4km and I feel really good. I can breathe okay, and my heart rate stays at a good level. So why try and push beyond that and feel bad because I can't do it. I'd rather jog for 30 mins at a level I can sustain than jog faster and watch the timer go by ever so slowly, before I can slow down for a minute or so. So, in my bid to be kind to myself, I will jog at the slower pace. I hit burnout really quickly when I exercise, so I know I can sustain this rate, and I know that will encourage me to do it more often. I really should jog every single day of the week. Two to three times is not enough.

Okay so that's one aspect of my life that I can put back on track and the benefits are immediate.

The other area of my life, which I feel needs an improvement, is the state of my house. I can cope with the fact that my house is small, but the lack of storage is really getting to me. I hate to look into a room and have it look messy. I need to formulate a plan. I have a friend who will help me out there, plus I need money to be able to buy the things I need. Until I've been working again for a while, that's not a consideration. I'll get everything from Ikea - affordable and nice too. Okay, so I should let that go, because I can't do anything about that at the moment.......

My creative space (namely my left side of my brain) is a mess too. I just feel like I have really really lost my mojo. It's been on a gradual decline for several months now. I still scrap, but it's not coming easily to me. I look at pictures and don't even like what I look at - so I don't copy much, although I've never copied many layouts anyway, sometims it's a good place to start. In all honesty, if it weren't for my loyalty to Daisy's I could easily scrapbook on a computer. I have enough digital kits to keep me out of mischief and I could scrap away on a Fri night on a laptop, and still enjoy the company of the girls. But I won't do that ! Not only because of my attachment to the store and all it stands for, but because I do love the texture and feel of scrapbooking. I love playing with patterned papers. I love combining things that aren't meant to go together. That's my strength in the craft. I have no trouble at all picking papers and mixing things up a bit to create a different look. I also have a good eye for balance, and know when a layout doesn't work, and know how to fix it. I look at all my stuff and I'm so bored with some of the old stuff. My new things, like my stamps, I want to use more of, and quiet frankly I don't know where to go to next. Okay, so I've bought these gorgeous stamps - now what?? I don't buy much anymore. I am a frugal scrapper. I was buying too much, hoarding too much and I don't have the money or the inclination to have it all!! Which is a much better way to be, but seriously depeleted range of choice makes it harder to scrap. It's about the photos and the stories, both of which I can tell and do. I don't journal as much as I'd like either. I can do that best with the computer and it's not always practical to scrap with the computer at the store. I want to be sitting with my friends, not at the computer fiddling with fonts and text placement. This is another reason why digital srapbooking is a good thing to do - I can journal screeds, and it all fits!! I love the computer at home to update my blog, keep in touch on Facebook, and read my blogs and edit my photos, but I don't want to spend much extra time doing layouts.......so I don't tend to do many.

So, I don't know how to answer the scrapbooking/creative dilemma.

I have time on my hands at the moment, and I'm annoyed with myself for not using it wisely.

Dear Bunny came home from work today, and I was able to just have a hug and cry a little. He is always so good when I'm like this. No recriminations, no empty platitudes. Just love.

I can talk to my friends, when they're down. I've always got good advice. I can talk Sammy through his difficult times, and the little boy heeds my advice....

It's time to take my own advice - if I knew what it was.

Perhaps, now that I've talked to Bunny, 'it's' been acknowledged, I have written down my thoughts so they're no longer shoved into the recesses of my mind - now I can let it go.

Let it go. Rejoice in all that's good. Pray for contentment.

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen.


Tami, children in Australia (states differ a little, this is how our state works), start school in Prep at the age of 6. They then attend primary school from year 1 to year 7. They are 12 or sometimes 13 when they finish. They attend High School from year 8 to year 12. By this time, they are 17. They can attend university from there, dependant on results of course and complete a degree, which can be anything from 3 years upwards. Most kids don't go to university, but many do. Kids wanting to do an apprenticeship, for example as an electrician, chef or plumber, can do school based training, not sure how this works exactly. But it means when they leave school to do their apprenticeship, they've already completed some of the requirements. Many uni graduates, are actually mature aged students, like myself who attended uni many years after their school is completed (and most often haven't attended to the end of year 12). It's very interesting how it's very different in each country. I was reading on a blog the other day about schooling in Germany and it's very very different to ours.... In Victoria, where I grew up, we would choose which type of secondary schooling we'd attend dependant upon our aspirations. You'd attend a High School if you wanted follow an academic path which would lead to university, or you'd attend a Technical School if you wanted to pursue a trade. Not sure if it's still like that now though.

1 comment:

t.t. millers said...

Jenny - My scrapbooking has been suffering lately too. I feel as if I have no more creative juices flowing. I tried digital scraping. It's okay, but like you, I like the textures of scraping and prefer to put together my own layouts. We all have our slumps, ups and downs, good and bad days. Chin up girl! Do a scrapbook page on blogging! :)
Thanks for telling me about your school system. It is quite different in the USA.
Enjoy the remainder of your weekend!
~Tami

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