Thursday, May 29, 2008

Ramblings on

You know sometimes this whole blogging thing gets a big all over the place. I have so much to say and often start to formulate posts in my head, unfortunately, many which stay unwritten.

It was another Daisy’s retreat last weekend, and was just lovely, although it’s Thursday now and I think I have finally recovered. I came home and slept in my own bed both nights, but still felt quite washed up by yesterday. I worked yesterday, first day in two and a half weeks, so that was a contributing factor as it was a rather hectic day. I didn’t do many layouts at the retreat , only three, but had a great time. On the Saturday night, Barbi had one of her nephews and his mate come in and sing for us. It was really nice, they were quite good, singing James Blunt, Sean Mullins type music which are amongst my favourite. Then we played on the Singstar so the repressed singer within me had a ball. It beats singing into a hairbrush, like I did when I was a kid, and I don’t know how bad it sounded to everyone else, but I wasn’t the only one belting out a tune, who couldn't actually  sing.

Our table was really good. We had some girls at the end of the table, plus one of them had their daughter with them. Kerrie, was there, Karen, and also Carrin and her Mum. It was a nice mix of people and a good mix of laughter and serious times. Kerrie has not long ago lost her Mum, Karen has recently lost her father and one of the other girls very recently lost her Mum to a very aggressive brain tumor. It was good for Kerrie and Sheree to be able to talk to one another. Karen had gone for a lie down, so missed the ‘heavier’ parts of the conversation. The tragic loss of Sheree’s Mum was made much more tragic due to the fact that her Mum became quite nasty in the weeks leading up to her death.

 Early on in the conversation I had to leave it. Not because I felt it was morbid or that I  was becoming upset, but because I felt like an interloper. I have had a charmed life and suffered little loss in my 45 years, and I felt this was too personal and that it wasn’t appropriate for me to include myself in this discussion. My heart went out to those girls - their grief still new and incredibly raw. 

In my life, I lost a friend of the family, who was killed in a car accident. I don’t remember her face as I was quite young, but I remember feeling very sad over that. Kids were shielded from a lot back in those days. When my grandmother died, I was quite upset and given that I had only ever spent such a small amount of time with her, I was hit quite hard when she died. She had been ill and was taken quite quickly. I mourn the fact that I never had her close by - my own children are so lucky to have their grandparents in their lives. My Uncle died nearly three years ago, and that was a huge shock, and I think of him often. I used to see him for a few weeks every two years - so again the physical proximity wasn’t there, but it still hurts nonetheless. I hear of the tragic loss of lives everyday, and live with it through my friends, and am so grateful that I have never had to deal with it to that extent. My dh and I are incredibly blessed that both sets of parents are fit and healthy and very much alive. Hearing these stories of loss, makes me realize how fragile our hold on life really is. That everyday we have is a true gift and we should treasure it with all our hearts. Death is a part of life, there is no way of getting out of it, so I am thankful everyday that I have my parents and that we are all well.

It’s now two days later and I haven’t uploaded this post yet. I am still pondering the whole life and loss scenario. I have talked to Barbi about it. How do you reconcile your faith with the loss of loved ones. She is very wise, my dear friend is.

Not a day goes by where I don’t give thanks for what I have. I can’t even write down exactly what I feel. As I write this I am looking forward to spending the evening with my parents.

 How I feel to know that my parents are coming to dinner. I love the feeling of planning a meal for them, and cooking it. I love the times we spend together, the food we eat, the wine we drink and the good times and laughs we share whenever we are together. My parents aren’t just the people who brought me into this world, we class them amongst our very best friends. We entertain my parents more than any other couple. I cook for them a variety of things, and we sit down and just enjoy being together. My kids get a huge buzz having them around. My kidlets haven’t seen them in a few weeks, so they are very excited about seeing them.

My significant other and I also had huge discussions this morning, about our life. I told him how the death of other’s parents was really making me face things I wasn’t ready to face. We also spoke about how we are lucky we have each other, and that even through all the tough times, we have stuck together and that we are both poignantly aware of how much is at stake, if there was ever a cause for this relationship to fail. Many people and acquaintances we have, are no longer together. It’s not uncommon to meet someone in the street whom we haven’t seen in a while, ask about their spouse and be told that they are no longer together. I get a cold feeling to my core when I hear that news. (Not as bad as when someone tells me they are moving or having another baby lol......) We question whether a couple actually sits down and works out what they will lose if the relationship ends. How much is at stake. Where you live, your goals, your hopes your dreams and your well being and happiness (unless of course you are in a totally dysfunctional relationship) the stability of your children is at stake, and while I agree children are quite strong and resilient, nothing is ever the same for them again. Their whole lives are turned upside down. The many unpleasantries that ensue over the following weeks, months and years would have a very dark and sad repercussion. I certainly don’t purport to be an expert on marriage and relationships, but surely a few failed marriages, and now an extremely strong one, would count for something. No-one is perfect. No relationship is ever perfect all the time. Life isn’t like that. I have become much more patient and know that beneath the little irritants, is a deep abiding love and respect for my husband, and I know he has the same loyalty and love for me. We are the core of our family. We teach our kids about love, and about fighting and then teach them that love overcomes all the hurdles. There’s no better lesson than that - no better way of teaching your kids, than just letting them see you live and love in front of them. Sometimes I feel like a single Mum, sometimes I feel hard done by, but I never ever feel like my relationship is anything other than strong. Life isn’t easy. Life is damn complicated.

This Macjournal tells me how many words this entry is, it’s 1319 words. And I do believe I said earlier in this entry that I found it hard to put some things into words!!

I close this entry, with thoughts for those parents and friends who have died recently of the people who have touched my life in some way. I pray that the loved ones left behind find some peace. That they find a strength from the knowledge their loved ones are in a better place. I pray that the loved ones are able to seek comfort in their family and friends. I pray that time eases their intense grief and they are able to think of their beloved ones without the deep pain they are currently feeling. I pray that special days will not be too sorrowful and that they are able to think of their loved ones with a peaceful joy. One of my besties recently lost her Dad. Their relationship was tenuous and extremely strained - she mourns for what is lost, I pray she finds a peace within her, to know that she did nothing wrong and that she was not responsible for his unloving treatment of her.

For myself, I pray with a hearfelt mind which is full of thankfulness. I will continue to love and enjoy my close family. I will continue to be grateful for their loving presence in our lives, and thank you God for keeping them safe and healthy.

Thank you, for all that is wonderful in my life.

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