Friday, May 27, 2011

I can't do it alone

It's been another busy busy week. Honestly, one wouldn't think I'm a Mum at home, with the schedule that I set myself. Between going to Brisbane for Billy-Joe's appointment and the car being serviced, having to go to uni to have my student id done, and all the general household stuff, it's been a hectic week.

To say I'm scared about studying full time is an understatement. Add in to that the headaches I get, and the pain of my various troublesome tendons and arthritic joints, am I being too optimistic? I think back to when I did my teaching degree, and I spent oodles of money and time having physio and massages. My thoracic spine was giving me lots of trouble then, and is still the same now. Once my head is bent over books for hours at a time, this will only worsen. Am I crazy to think I can have a job where I'm walking and am on my feet all day? Spending the day at Chermside on Wednesday, left me with sore achilles and sore feet.

I could look at all that and think it's too hard I can't do it, but I'm feeling very determined. I look at my motivation for doing this, and they're numerous. I do want to work, I want to do a job where I feel I belong. I want to learn more and be a part of a team to help others. My teaching degree could have fulfilled that, were it not so damn hard to get a permanent job. I did look into what I could do to finish my Special Education degree, as I know having that would assure me of work, not permanent work straight away, but it would greatly increase the chances and I'd be working close to home. I know I am suited to that role, but it's not where my passion is. Honestly I can't really explain why studying full time for two years to become a nurse is more appealing than studying for a Graduate Diploma for Special Ed. I've always been drawn toward nursing, and spending time in hospital with Billy-Joe just made me realize how much all over again.

I know I can't do this alone. I've already lost count of the prayers I've said. There'll be so many more as the load becomes a reality and I'm in the thick of things. In many ways I know I'll cope with the studying okay, it's the added pressures of having a household and family to take care of.

I'm motivated by the thought, that when I'm working, I can employ a cleaner again, that will be a huge help. The kids are getting older and know they need to help me. My husband is getting older and finds the long hours he currently works is getting harder and harder. Me working again, will take the pressure off. I don't think he'll work any less, I just think he'll work the same with the knowledge that if he wants to he can cut back. There's a big difference. I've not worked in the last 18 months and he's working harder than ever. He now sees a light at the end of the tunnel.

I've got a few more weeks to enjoy being at home and to get my head in the right place. My trip to Geelong and Ballarat, is timely. A time to spend with Sammy and my long time long friend. This will fulfill the yearning and homesickness I feel for Geelong. Even after 22 years, I still miss the place. I'm looking forward to so many different things. Clothes shopping, seeing the different foods, seeing the prices of fruit, meat and vegies at the markets, walking around rugged up in a coat, seeing the gardens. I wish it was spring so I could see the flowers that I miss. I was so excited at the florist's the other day when she put out a huge bunch of freesias!!! My absolute favourite flower, I couldn't justify spending $3 for a stem though, ridiculous. I hope mine come up in the garden......I miss lilac trees, and magnolias, and tulips, and cottage gardens, growing vegies without them being eaten completely by bugs, flowering fruit trees, roses........ there's lots of things I miss. Going home for a bit will be lovely.

Don't get me wrong, home is here, but Geelong, is home home. Where I was born and where I grew up.

Thank goodness my blog is called what it this post has gone all over the place. Lots of things on my mind at the moment. Lots of things to enjoy and look forward to, but with a level of cautiousness too.


Anonymous said...

You can do this Jenny .. You have already taken the most courageous step all .. the first one! We are all stronger than we think we are, we just have to put ourselves out there and give it a go. Just starting the process is braver than most people. You are going to a great job Jenny, especially with the loving support of your gorgeous family and the cheer squad of all your caring friends.
Go for it girl!!
Lisa xx

Alaine - Queen of Happy Endings said...

There is no doubt it will be a challenge Jenny, but you can do it. I find the secret is be super organised and I have a set schedule for study. There are also things that I know I don't get to through the semester, I always have a big catch up list during the breaks. It really is all about priorities and routine for me. I start in 3 weeks and an feeling anxious as it's been January since I've studied but I know once I get started I'll get straight back into the swing of it. The rewards for this will be well worth the stress and challenges you'll face in the next two years!


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