Writing is therapy - right?

Maybe if I just sit down and say how I am feeling, I can close it up and then just move on. It's kind of like praying, handing it over to God and saying I can't do this by myself, so you have to just guide me please? So I guess this is in essence a written prayer.

So where do I start? Today I was happy, no work, and the house is up to date. So that means I an do whatever I please. Anything! I sit all day and read a book!! I am too lazy to go and do something productive. I mean, I can always clean out cupboards, or clean behind stuff, or tidy kids' rooms, or scrapbook, or edit photos, or update my recipe blog, go for a walk, go to the library, go to Maroochydore and collect my much wanted bowls which have arrived.............no I sat and read a book. I did clean out the filing box, and tidy up, but that's it. I sat and read a book - half the morning and half the afternoon.

I don't go dancing when I feel like this, heck I don't want to go anywhere. I just want to stay home. Safe, content (well not really, or I wouldn't be feeling blech!) but it's the easiest option.......

I write about my positive things, and there are so many. I am grateful for them every single day - that makes me feel more guilty, because I know I have no concrete reason for feeling like this. I love my family and I love looking after them, and making sure they have everything they need. I enjoy my work, and equally enjoy not going to work - just that I like the money and the challenge of doing something I often feel totally under qualified to do.

So what are the negative things............just me!

I have been in a fair bit of pain of late. The crushed crab shells keep me going, they are fabulous. Without them, I would be in bed.......that's the honest truth. I would not be able to function. The CCS keep my back pain free, they also help my achilles and my neck and my thoracic spine too. It's my hands that have been giving me a lot of trouble of late, or more specifically my fingers. The arthritis is really giving me trouble. The fingers on my left hand have settled down a little, although they can't tolerate being squeezed by my husband, which he often loves to do when he is holding my hand. They were so sore, that at night time I couldn't even move my hand, because it was so painful. Like I said, that's settled a bit. The middle finger on my other hand, now that's a different story. It has enough pain in that top knuckle to compete with the entire left hand's original pain. It's even growing nobbly bits on it. I went to the doctor because I was concerned about the pain I was having. I am not a wimp, but it's been a couple of months, and it's not easing. There's nothing I can do about it. Osteo arthritis, can flair up and then settle down again It can be so bad that there are things I can't do. My husband gets his socks and they aren't folded properly. I turn then into themselves like my Mum does, and sometimes I just can't turn the socks inwards...........it hurts so much. Changing the bed linen is painful too, holding the whole doona while putting the cover on........holding something heavy, like a shopping bag, or even a milk carton.

Then, to top it all off...........my tennis elbow is giving me grief again. I can't even wipe down my huge kitchen bench with my right hand. Thank goodness I have always been able to do a lot of things with my left hand, so it's really no big deal...........I can feel the inflamed tendon and I can massage it, it's so acute, it almost brings tears to my eyes. I did it vacuuming, too much stress holding the vacuum in one hand. I had it years ago, and then didn't vacuum for months - dh did it for me. It's back now with a vengeance.........

On the hot flush front, I am still having flushes, although not as many. I rang the surgery and am taking a 1/4 of a teaspoon extra of the cream for a fortnight to see if that makes a difference. I have also noticed that if I drink more than a couple of very small glasses of wine, they're heaps worse. So I am careful. On Father's Day, I drank much less than I normally would on a day of celebration - and not that I get drunk, drinking less, is never a bad thing. Then I read back on all the wonderful things that the cream promises, and I don't see them all fulfilled yet, I need to be patient. It promised that I would sleep better, and that certainly hasn't changed. I am taking the Valerian tablets every night now, and have a much better night's sleep.

I have prattled, aimlessly, possibly jumping from one thought to the next.

I have a special friend, a man I met in Springbrook. Peter and I became very good friends with him, but he and I were friends first. He lived on his own, was near retirement and we enjoyed each other's company. It's his fault I learnt to love expensive red wines!! He was a guidance counsellor at the private school where he worked and he would often listen to my ramblings. I would get into these types of 'moods' and he would always say.......
"Jen, don't should on yourself."

I always feel guilty and think I should be doing something other than what I am doing........... Like today, I should be doing cleaning, whatever, whatever, rather than reading a book........and this afternoon I heard Noel's words in my ear...........'Jen, don't should on yourself'.

It would help me to remember that more often.